Picture and Intro

The intention is to make you smile every day; if you get a good belly laugh; so much the better. Every day we will deliver a short(ish) joke or one amusing photograph or cartoon. There will be no endless lists of jokes or photographs... if you don't find it amusing... there's always tomorrow.

Being totally 'politically correct' is impossible with humour (or in life for that matter), and we have no intention of being that boring. Whilst there is no intention to cause offence to anyone, with the wide choice of topics, it's possible that your nationality/religion/political inclination... will supply the punch line, or butt, of a joke. If you're likely to take offence, please do not subscribe, stay sad. For the rest of us, let's laugh at ourselves, as well as others.

The contributions come from a variety of sources; some are 'home grown', some submitted by friends, and from now, some will be from YOU. If you wish to contribute a joke, amusing photograph, or cartoon, please submit it using this form.

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Tuesday, 30 September 2014

Rodney Dangerfield

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had
anything to play with.

Monday, 29 September 2014

Tax return

This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return.

The HMRC has returned the Tax Return to a man in Evesham after he apparently
answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependant on you?"

The man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4
million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85
prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European
Commission".

The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

The man's response back to HMRC was "Whom did I miss out?"

Sunday, 28 September 2014

Switzerland

Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they
stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of
cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a
lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no
longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old
goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

Saturday, 27 September 2014

Think BEFORE you speak

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several
minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at
the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him
and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

Friday, 26 September 2014

Thought

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play
chess?

Thursday, 25 September 2014

Why Men Wear Earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an
earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow
and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him
to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

Wife Store

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Tommy Cooper

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything."

Monday, 22 September 2014

Viagra

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and
eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. "It's this
Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of
soup, home-made muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a
juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not
hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

Sunday, 21 September 2014

Two Nuns

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the
Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the
room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.

In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

Saturday, 20 September 2014

Who is a Psychiatrist?

A qualified person who gives you an expensive and critical analysis about
yourself, which your spouse gives for free, daily too!

Friday, 19 September 2014

Wish I'd Said That!

If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the
airport.

Jonathan Winters

Thursday, 18 September 2014

My kind of Salesman.

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got
called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military
induction centre.
Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new
recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which
they were entitled.
The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up
rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was
remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for
the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing
at no charge.
The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing
and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said,
"If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets
youself killed, da govment' pays you benefishery $20,000.
If you takes out da suppmental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars
a munt, den da governmen' gots ta pay you benefishery $400,000!
"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta
Afghanistan first?

Wednesday, 17 September 2014

Tuesday, 16 September 2014

Telephone call

This is Daddy.
'Is Mommy near the phone?' 
 
'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
 
After a brief pause,
 
Daddy says,
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
 
'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'
 
Brief Pause.....
 
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that
Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'
 
A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.
 
'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?'
 
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming.
 
Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she
isn't moving at all!'

'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
 
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the
bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
 
Long Pause...
 
Longer Pause......
 
Even Longer Pause..............
 
Then Daddy says,

'Swimming pool? ...........
 
Is this 486-5731?'

 
No, I think you have the wrong number

Monday, 15 September 2014

Smart kids

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to
buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's
Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

Sunday, 14 September 2014

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting
senile Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to
zip down.'

Saturday, 13 September 2014

Friday, 12 September 2014

Remember

Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
An impressive new book. It's called ...
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Politically Incorrect

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo
with blood pouring from them
"B*ll*ks to that" said Paddy
"That's the last time I go lion dancing"

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Tuesday, 9 September 2014

Two older women

Two older women were having lunch together while discussing the merits of
cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you. I'm getting a
boob-job."

The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my
ar*e-hole bleached!"

"Oh! Dear!" replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a
blonde!"

Monday, 8 September 2014

Not PC but...

The wife's back on the warpath again she was up for making a home movie last
night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

Sunday, 7 September 2014

Overheard on the tube

'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

Saturday, 6 September 2014

Nursery Rhyme

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

Friday, 5 September 2014

Neighbour

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Harry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I
have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can
no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and
without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

  Bloody autopsied! I meant "wifi, not "wife" . . . . .

Thursday, 4 September 2014

Actual complaints received by Thomas Cook from dissatisfied customers:

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every
restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

Why Ethel Changed Motels

Last week, Ethel checked in to a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a
bit lonely.  She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in
phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling
himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills
flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long
powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she
could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled butt.  She figured, what the
heck, nobody will ever know.  I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo  sexy!  Afraid she would lose her nerve if she
hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage.  I'd
like you to come to my motel room and give me one.  No, wait, I should be
straight with you.  I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I
want it hot, and I want it now.  Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather,
whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.  We'll go hot and heavy
all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream,
anything and everything, I'm ready!!  Now how does that sound?"

He said,

"That sounds absolutely fantastic,... but you need to press 9 for an outside
line."

Tuesday, 2 September 2014

RAC

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked . The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself
'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'

Monday, 1 September 2014

Wonderful quotes

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out
- Phyllis Diller