Picture and Intro

The intention is to make you smile every day; if you get a good belly laugh; so much the better. Every day we will deliver a short(ish) joke or one amusing photograph or cartoon. There will be no endless lists of jokes or photographs... if you don't find it amusing... there's always tomorrow.

Being totally 'politically correct' is impossible with humour (or in life for that matter), and we have no intention of being that boring. Whilst there is no intention to cause offence to anyone, with the wide choice of topics, it's possible that your nationality/religion/political inclination... will supply the punch line, or butt, of a joke. If you're likely to take offence, please do not subscribe, stay sad. For the rest of us, let's laugh at ourselves, as well as others.

The contributions come from a variety of sources; some are 'home grown', some submitted by friends, and from now, some will be from YOU. If you wish to contribute a joke, amusing photograph, or cartoon, please submit it using this form.

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Sunday, 31 March 2013

Tommy Cooper

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to.
A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'.
'I'd like to stay here'
'OK. Stay there'.

Saturday, 30 March 2013

The Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

Friday, 29 March 2013

They walk among us...

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped..
She keeps it in the car boot.

Wednesday, 27 March 2013

Peter Cook

"You know, I go to the theatre to be entertained. I don't want to see plays about rape, sodomy and drug addiction. I can get all that at home."

Tuesday, 26 March 2013

They walk among us...

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked m 'Has your plane arrived yet?'

Monday, 25 March 2013

The Dentist

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Sunday, 24 March 2013

Relationships

Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late.'

Saturday, 23 March 2013

Friday, 22 March 2013

Proof that the world is nuts...

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Thursday, 21 March 2013

Observations...

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table, I said to her,"Nice legs". The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so ".

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now".

Wednesday, 20 March 2013

New house

A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators. Just a little house warming present.

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Tommy Cooper

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat.
Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

Monday, 18 March 2013

Sunday, 17 March 2013

The Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

Saturday, 16 March 2013

Friday, 15 March 2013

Thursday, 14 March 2013

Peter Cook

"In the words of Marcel Proust - and this applies to any woman in the world - if you can stay up and listen with a fair degree of attention to whatever garbage, no matter how stupid it is, that they're coming out with, til ten minutes past four in the morning. you're in."

Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Monday, 11 March 2013

But...

Life is all about Butts

You're either covering it,
Laughing it off,
Kicking it,
Kissing it,
Busting it,
Or behaving like one ......

Sunday, 10 March 2013

Wonderful quotes

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

Thursday, 7 March 2013

Tommy Cooper

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

Monday, 4 March 2013

Tommy Cooper

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said "Do you earn a living doing that?"
He said "Yes, this is my livelihood."

Sunday, 3 March 2013

Les Dawson - His own worst critic

People say to me: 'Cheer up! Lady Luck will smile on you one day.'
By the time she smiles on me, she won't have any teeth left.

Saturday, 2 March 2013

Kulula Airline announcements

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"