Picture and Intro

The intention is to make you smile every day; if you get a good belly laugh; so much the better. Every day we will deliver a short(ish) joke or one amusing photograph or cartoon. There will be no endless lists of jokes or photographs... if you don't find it amusing... there's always tomorrow.

Being totally 'politically correct' is impossible with humour (or in life for that matter), and we have no intention of being that boring. Whilst there is no intention to cause offence to anyone, with the wide choice of topics, it's possible that your nationality/religion/political inclination... will supply the punch line, or butt, of a joke. If you're likely to take offence, please do not subscribe, stay sad. For the rest of us, let's laugh at ourselves, as well as others.

The contributions come from a variety of sources; some are 'home grown', some submitted by friends, and from now, some will be from YOU. If you wish to contribute a joke, amusing photograph, or cartoon, please submit it using this form.

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Saturday, 31 March 2012

Sign in a shop window

'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND.

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. After all, it is ONLY A SIGN.

You may say:

'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'  

Answer:

An undertaker

Friday, 30 March 2012

Canadian Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Saskatchewan prairies without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the  ground
several yards ahead of him.

 He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what
looks to be an old briefcase.

 He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

 She is wearing a Revenue Canada ID badge  and a dull grey dress.

 There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked  behind  one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I  work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a Revenue Canada genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks  like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

'OK!, I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and  drink.'

  ***POOF***

  The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

  'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

  'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

  ** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

  ***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the Canadian government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Generous Scotsman

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night...

"Did you smell that food?" she asked...  "Incredible!"

Being the 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought,

"What the heck, I'll treat her!"

... so they walked past it again.

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Afghan desert

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said,

"Your f*cking brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Sunday, 25 March 2012

Walk With Me As I Get Older

 I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me - then my telling it will be worth the effort. Walk with me by the water - worth the read...

A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER:

S***  !! -  I forgot the words....

Saturday, 24 March 2012

Blonde Goes to School

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy”, she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

"Yes, it’s because you’re blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it’s because you’re blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm Blonde, Mommy?"

"No Honey, It’s because you're 24."

Friday, 23 March 2012

Loyal Wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died . . .
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait, just a minute!'

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'

'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?'

'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

Moral of the story: Women are cleverer than Men.....

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Grim Reaper

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, but I managed to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Blimey, talk about Dyson with death.

Monday, 19 March 2012

Making a baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'  

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'  

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'  

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?'  

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !'
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'  

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'  

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'  

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.  

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'  

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs Smith fainted

Sunday, 18 March 2012

The Cemetery

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London!"

Thursday, 15 March 2012

Copper wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists  found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times:

"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in West Yorkshire , Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely buggar all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be British !

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

The Farmer

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

Monday, 12 March 2012

Window cleaner

I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house.

I think he's lost his rag

Sunday, 11 March 2012

Inner Peace

Some doctor on the TV this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, abutle of vocka, a pockage of Pringlies, the res of the Chesescke a n a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr ow frigin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to anyy yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece

Friday, 9 March 2012

Forrest Gump goes to heaven

The day finally arrived.   Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.  

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.  The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.   But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.  I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.  Life was a big enough test as it was.'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions

First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.  He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy....That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve?  Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.  'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied,

'It’s Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter.   'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied.  'I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:
'Run, Forrest, Run.'

Thursday, 8 March 2012

Vet school

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the rump of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Graffiti

If life is a waste of time,
And time is a waste of life,
Then let's all get wasted together
And have the time of our lives.

Monday, 5 March 2012

Kindly lawyer

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
"You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story...did you?

Sunday, 4 March 2012

Apologies

It seems that the daily jokes or photographs are not reaching your in-boxes. I am assured that this is a Microsoft Word issue (not that you're bothered). In the meantime, you can visit www.iamnotadodo.com for your daily update. This is NOT a joke (believe me).

Graffiti

It's hard to make a comeback

When you haven't been anywhere.

Saturday, 3 March 2012

BA Flight

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.  Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from  London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax  and..... OH, MY GOD !'
   
Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. 

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I  was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' 

One Irish passenger yelled...

'For f*#k's sake ........ you should see the back of mine!!!

Thursday, 1 March 2012

Times change...

Ten years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.

Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash !!