Picture and Intro

The intention is to make you smile every day; if you get a good belly laugh; so much the better. Every day we will deliver a short(ish) joke or one amusing photograph or cartoon. There will be no endless lists of jokes or photographs... if you don't find it amusing... there's always tomorrow.

Being totally 'politically correct' is impossible with humour (or in life for that matter), and we have no intention of being that boring. Whilst there is no intention to cause offence to anyone, with the wide choice of topics, it's possible that your nationality/religion/political inclination... will supply the punch line, or butt, of a joke. If you're likely to take offence, please do not subscribe, stay sad. For the rest of us, let's laugh at ourselves, as well as others.

The contributions come from a variety of sources; some are 'home grown', some submitted by friends, and from now, some will be from YOU. If you wish to contribute a joke, amusing photograph, or cartoon, please submit it using this form.

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Thursday, 29 November 2012

Labrador

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Really, ." says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Les Dawson - My family and other animals

My father was a keen trades unionist. He insisted on a tea break on his wedding night.

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Thoughts to ponder...

In the 1960's, people took acid to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it look normal.

Monday, 26 November 2012

Observations...

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, 'Do
you have Viagra?' 'Yes,' he answered.

She asked, 'Does it work?' 'Yes,' he answered.

'Can you get it over the counter?' she asked. 'I can if I take two,' he
answered.

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Tommy Cooper

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

Friday, 23 November 2012

Proof that the world is nuts...

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Real airline 'gripe sheet'...

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Monday, 19 November 2012

Ouch

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Understanding engineers

An engineer was passing a pond one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's something."

Saturday, 17 November 2012

Irish divers

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Les Dawson - His own worst critic

I'm so far behind with the mortgage repayments that the arrears are written in Latin.

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

New Apple Product

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod, after realising that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

They walk among us...

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

Sunday, 11 November 2012

Relationships

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another -

'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'

'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

Friday, 9 November 2012

Real airline 'gripe sheet'...

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Thursday, 8 November 2012

Proof that the world is nuts...

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Peter Cook

I am blind, but I am able to read thanks to a wonderful new system known as broil. I'm sorry, I'll just feel that again.

Sunday, 4 November 2012

Tommy Cooper

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?',
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.
' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?
' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

Thursday, 1 November 2012

Real airline 'gripe sheet'...

P: Aircraft handles funny...........

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.