Picture and Intro

The intention is to make you smile every day; if you get a good belly laugh; so much the better. Every day we will deliver a short(ish) joke or one amusing photograph or cartoon. There will be no endless lists of jokes or photographs... if you don't find it amusing... there's always tomorrow.

Being totally 'politically correct' is impossible with humour (or in life for that matter), and we have no intention of being that boring. Whilst there is no intention to cause offence to anyone, with the wide choice of topics, it's possible that your nationality/religion/political inclination... will supply the punch line, or butt, of a joke. If you're likely to take offence, please do not subscribe, stay sad. For the rest of us, let's laugh at ourselves, as well as others.

The contributions come from a variety of sources; some are 'home grown', some submitted by friends, and from now, some will be from YOU. If you wish to contribute a joke, amusing photograph, or cartoon, please submit it using this form.

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Monday, 31 December 2012

Relationships

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife
until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

Sunday, 30 December 2012

Tommy Cooper

I was in Margate last year for the summer season.

A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism."

So I did, and I got it....

Saturday, 29 December 2012

Understanding engineers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,

"What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free any time they want!."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why don't they play at night?"

Friday, 28 December 2012

Statistic

This is a frightening statistic:,

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated!

Thursday, 27 December 2012

Male or female ?

HAMMERS:

Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Wonderful quotes

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

Victor Borge

Tuesday, 25 December 2012

Tommy Cooper

I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'with all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep''
he said ' Try lying on the edge of your bed, you'll soon drop off'

Monday, 24 December 2012

Tommy Cooper

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas!
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......

Sunday, 23 December 2012

Thoughts to ponder...

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

Saturday, 22 December 2012

Relationships

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Thursday, 20 December 2012

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Peter Cook

"I've always wanted to be an expert on tadpoles. It's a wonderful life if you become an experty tadpoleous, as they are known in the trade."

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Kulula Airline announcements

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced,

"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

Monday, 17 December 2012

Insults + Put-downs

"Curse the blasted, jelly-boned swines, the slimy, belly-wriggling invertebrates, the miserable, sodding rotters, the flaming sods, the snivelling, dribbling, dithering, palsied, pulse-less lot that make up England today. God, how I hate them"

DH Lawrence after having his manuscript of 'Sons and Lovers' rejected

Saturday, 15 December 2012

Les Dawson - His own worst critic

I was in a play on the TV once, it was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering: what's on the other channels?

Friday, 14 December 2012

Fridge

I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it

Thursday, 13 December 2012

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said

'I want to be a movie star.'

Tall, handsome and experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, 'What's your name?'

The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will
not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling
you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent
you.'

'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he
left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER...

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a
letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly
send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to
make it with my God given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never
make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your
office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to
change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed
with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so
the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke'

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Thoughts to ponder...

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

Thoughts to ponder...

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday ... laying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Monday, 10 December 2012

Male or female ?

SPONGES:

These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

Sunday, 9 December 2012

Church Bulletin

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Four Worms and a lesson to be learned

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following
results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service

Friday, 7 December 2012

Kulula Airline announcements

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our aeroplane to the gate!"

Thursday, 6 December 2012

Insults + Put-downs

A face to launch a thousand dredgers

Jack de Manio on Glenda Jackson

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Les Dawson - My family and other animals

My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Pedophile

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 23 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

Spider

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Saturday, 1 December 2012

Church Bulletin

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Thursday, 29 November 2012

Labrador

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Really, ." says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Les Dawson - My family and other animals

My father was a keen trades unionist. He insisted on a tea break on his wedding night.

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Thoughts to ponder...

In the 1960's, people took acid to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it look normal.

Monday, 26 November 2012

Observations...

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, 'Do
you have Viagra?' 'Yes,' he answered.

She asked, 'Does it work?' 'Yes,' he answered.

'Can you get it over the counter?' she asked. 'I can if I take two,' he
answered.

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Tommy Cooper

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

Friday, 23 November 2012

Proof that the world is nuts...

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Real airline 'gripe sheet'...

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Monday, 19 November 2012

Ouch

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Understanding engineers

An engineer was passing a pond one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's something."

Saturday, 17 November 2012

Irish divers

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Les Dawson - His own worst critic

I'm so far behind with the mortgage repayments that the arrears are written in Latin.

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

New Apple Product

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod, after realising that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

They walk among us...

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

Sunday, 11 November 2012

Relationships

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another -

'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'

'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

Friday, 9 November 2012

Real airline 'gripe sheet'...

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Thursday, 8 November 2012

Proof that the world is nuts...

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Peter Cook

I am blind, but I am able to read thanks to a wonderful new system known as broil. I'm sorry, I'll just feel that again.

Sunday, 4 November 2012

Tommy Cooper

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?',
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.
' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?
' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

Thursday, 1 November 2012

Real airline 'gripe sheet'...

P: Aircraft handles funny...........

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Tommy Cooper

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?"
The man says "A premature ejaculation."
"What?" says the woman.
The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

Monday, 29 October 2012

Understanding engineers

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Saturday, 27 October 2012

Wonderful quotes

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

George Burns

Thursday, 25 October 2012

Understanding engineers

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Thoughts to ponder...

Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

Relationships

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep.

Monday, 22 October 2012

Real airline 'gripe sheet'...

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Sunday, 21 October 2012

Proof that the world is nuts...

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Saturday, 20 October 2012

Friday, 19 October 2012

Church Bulletin

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

Thursday, 18 October 2012

Golf

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.

Jimmy DeMaret

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Insults + Put-downs

"In my experience, men are creatures with two legs and eight arms"

Jayne Mansfield

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

Kulula Airline announcements

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aeroplane."

Monday, 15 October 2012

Male or female ?

TRAINS:

Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

Sunday, 14 October 2012

Les Dawson - One-liners

I crossed a parrot with a hen - got an egg that tells you when it's done.

Saturday, 13 October 2012

Tommy Cooper

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs.

She won, she had the hammer.

Friday, 12 October 2012

Insults + Put-downs

"I have tried to read Shakespeare, and I found it so intolerably dull that it nauseated me"

Charles Darwin