Picture and Intro

The intention is to make you smile every day; if you get a good belly laugh; so much the better. Every day we will deliver a short(ish) joke or one amusing photograph or cartoon. There will be no endless lists of jokes or photographs... if you don't find it amusing... there's always tomorrow.

Being totally 'politically correct' is impossible with humour (or in life for that matter), and we have no intention of being that boring. Whilst there is no intention to cause offence to anyone, with the wide choice of topics, it's possible that your nationality/religion/political inclination... will supply the punch line, or butt, of a joke. If you're likely to take offence, please do not subscribe, stay sad. For the rest of us, let's laugh at ourselves, as well as others.

The contributions come from a variety of sources; some are 'home grown', some submitted by friends, and from now, some will be from YOU. If you wish to contribute a joke, amusing photograph, or cartoon, please submit it using this form.

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Saturday, 31 August 2013

Edinburgh Festival 2013 10 Worst #2

Geoff Norcott -
"My wife said to me recently, 'Do you fancy going gay clubbing?' I said,
'No, it sounds violent'."

Friday, 30 August 2013

Edinburgh Festival 2013 10 Best #2

Alex Horne -
"I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

Thursday, 29 August 2013

Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Edinburgh Festival 2013 10 Best #1

Rob Auton -
"I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar.
Could be a Chinese Wispa."

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Church Bulletin

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Monday, 26 August 2013

Sunday, 25 August 2013

Quotes on Government

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Will Rogers

Saturday, 24 August 2013

Kulula Airline announcements

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Friday, 23 August 2013

Wednesday, 21 August 2013

Blondes

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

Tuesday, 20 August 2013

Monday, 19 August 2013

US Patrolman said...

"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

Sunday, 18 August 2013

Tommy Cooper

My wife phoned me just before the show and said,
'I've got water in the carburettor,
I said 'Where's the car'
She said 'In the river'

Saturday, 17 August 2013

Drinking

A: "I hear your dad's an alcoholic."

B: "It's not true, he's a drunkard... we're too poor for him to be an alcoholic"

(with thanks to Larry... who happens to be teetotal).

Friday, 16 August 2013

Quotes on Government

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live at the expense of everybody else.

Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

Thursday, 15 August 2013

Male or female ?

EGG TIMERS:

Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

Wednesday, 14 August 2013

Les Dawson - My mother in law

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

Tuesday, 13 August 2013

How the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

Monday, 12 August 2013

Don't upset a woman...

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would
take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What in the world is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in
my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker, 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle
Grow'!!!!!

Sunday, 11 August 2013

Golf

A young man and a priest are playing together.  At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."

Saturday, 10 August 2013

Country living

When you're from the country, your perception is a little different to the big city person.
A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse in his Holden, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about nine years old, opened the door.
"Is your Dad or Mum home?" asked the farmer.
"No, they went to town", said the boy.
"How about your brother Howard. Is he here?" asked the farmer.
"No, he went with Mum and Dad," answered the boy.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message," said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.... It's about Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment.......................
"You would have to talk to dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Friday, 9 August 2013

Did they really mean to write...

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD

Thursday, 8 August 2013

Church Bulletin

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

The Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'No, not this time!'

Sunday, 4 August 2013

Wonderful quotes

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

Saturday, 3 August 2013

Quotes on Government

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

P. J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Thursday, 1 August 2013

Tommy Cooper

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."