Picture and Intro

The intention is to make you smile every day; if you get a good belly laugh; so much the better. Every day we will deliver a short(ish) joke or one amusing photograph or cartoon. There will be no endless lists of jokes or photographs... if you don't find it amusing... there's always tomorrow.

Being totally 'politically correct' is impossible with humour (or in life for that matter), and we have no intention of being that boring. Whilst there is no intention to cause offence to anyone, with the wide choice of topics, it's possible that your nationality/religion/political inclination... will supply the punch line, or butt, of a joke. If you're likely to take offence, please do not subscribe, stay sad. For the rest of us, let's laugh at ourselves, as well as others.

The contributions come from a variety of sources; some are 'home grown', some submitted by friends, and from now, some will be from YOU. If you wish to contribute a joke, amusing photograph, or cartoon, please submit it using this form.

Email warning

Please enter YOUR Email address to receive updates. Ensure you add noreply+feedproxy@google.com to your safe list.

Follow by Email

Monday, 30 June 2014

Sunday, 29 June 2014

Church Bulletin

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.

Saturday, 28 June 2014

Drink

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.

Friday, 27 June 2014

Classified Add

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

Thursday, 26 June 2014

Children

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

Wednesday, 25 June 2014

British Newspapers

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked
him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have
a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover
off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

Tuesday, 24 June 2014

Not PC but...

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last
night, took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.

Monday, 23 June 2014

Marital Humour

What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
'Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything

Sunday, 22 June 2014

Les Dawson - One-liners

I wouldn't say they were posh, but the toilet coughed before it flushed.

Saturday, 21 June 2014

Honeymoon

A young couple left the church and
arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their
honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks,
his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all
mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected
my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his
bride once again asked,

"What's wrong with your knees? They're
all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he
explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness
that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with
this answer.

As the undressing continued, her
husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said.

"Let me
guess... smallcox"

Friday, 20 June 2014

Little known fact

The first testicular guard "cup" was used in ice hockey in 1874 and the
first helmet was used in 1974.

That means it took 100 years for men to realise that their brain is also
important.

Thursday, 19 June 2014

Kulula Airline announcements

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today And, the next time
you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised
metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

Wednesday, 18 June 2014

Irish Jokes

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "They have to go backwards. If they fell
forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

Tuesday, 17 June 2014

Lemons

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me
seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into
a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Monday, 16 June 2014

Irish Jokes

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

Sunday, 15 June 2014

Best Speeding Excuse Ever

When asked by a young patrol officer, "Do you know you were speeding?"
 
This 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and
stated:-
"Yes, but .... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."
 
The officer put his ticket book away and said "Have good day"

Saturday, 14 June 2014

Marital Humour

Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue.
Ur beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue.
Ur my headache, one day I'll kill u.

Thursday, 12 June 2014

Les Dawson - My wife

She has a fear that one night in a dark street a sex maniac will jump out
and ignore her.

Wednesday, 11 June 2014

Learning to swear

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.

The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started
learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say
something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants
for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK!

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and
runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping
his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let
you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios!"

Tuesday, 10 June 2014

Leroy

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need
all your children's names.'

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all
named Leighroy.'

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named
Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get
them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time
for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin. An' if I need
to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of
them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and
says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the
whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

Monday, 9 June 2014

Irish Jokes

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

Sunday, 8 June 2014

Church Bulletin

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM ..
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Saturday, 7 June 2014

Marital Humour

Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks,
but paying the bill does

Thursday, 5 June 2014

Les Dawson - My wife

I said to the chemist: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?'
He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She keeps waking up.'

Wednesday, 4 June 2014

Jehovah's Witness

There was a knock on the door this morning.

I opened it to find a young man standing there who said: "Hello sir,
I'm a Jehovah's Witness ."

I said "Come in and sit down."

I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Damned if I know, I've never got this far before."

Tuesday, 3 June 2014

Insults + Put-downs

"He can't kick with his left foot, he can't head, he can't tackle, and he
doesn't score many goals. Apart from that, he's all right"

George Best on David Beckham

Monday, 2 June 2014

Irish Jokes

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

Sunday, 1 June 2014

Holy humour

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The
owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to
the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient
vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."