Picture and Intro

The intention is to make you smile every day; if you get a good belly laugh; so much the better. Every day we will deliver a short(ish) joke or one amusing photograph or cartoon. There will be no endless lists of jokes or photographs... if you don't find it amusing... there's always tomorrow.

Being totally 'politically correct' is impossible with humour (or in life for that matter), and we have no intention of being that boring. Whilst there is no intention to cause offence to anyone, with the wide choice of topics, it's possible that your nationality/religion/political inclination... will supply the punch line, or butt, of a joke. If you're likely to take offence, please do not subscribe, stay sad. For the rest of us, let's laugh at ourselves, as well as others.

The contributions come from a variety of sources; some are 'home grown', some submitted by friends, and from now, some will be from YOU. If you wish to contribute a joke, amusing photograph, or cartoon, please submit it using this form.

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Monday, 31 December 2012

Relationships

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife
until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

Sunday, 30 December 2012

Tommy Cooper

I was in Margate last year for the summer season.

A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism."

So I did, and I got it....

Saturday, 29 December 2012

Understanding engineers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,

"What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free any time they want!."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why don't they play at night?"

Friday, 28 December 2012

Statistic

This is a frightening statistic:,

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated!

Thursday, 27 December 2012

Male or female ?

HAMMERS:

Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Wonderful quotes

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

Victor Borge

Tuesday, 25 December 2012

Tommy Cooper

I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'with all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep''
he said ' Try lying on the edge of your bed, you'll soon drop off'

Monday, 24 December 2012

Tommy Cooper

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas!
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......

Sunday, 23 December 2012

Thoughts to ponder...

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

Saturday, 22 December 2012

Relationships

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Thursday, 20 December 2012

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Peter Cook

"I've always wanted to be an expert on tadpoles. It's a wonderful life if you become an experty tadpoleous, as they are known in the trade."

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Kulula Airline announcements

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced,

"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

Monday, 17 December 2012

Insults + Put-downs

"Curse the blasted, jelly-boned swines, the slimy, belly-wriggling invertebrates, the miserable, sodding rotters, the flaming sods, the snivelling, dribbling, dithering, palsied, pulse-less lot that make up England today. God, how I hate them"

DH Lawrence after having his manuscript of 'Sons and Lovers' rejected

Saturday, 15 December 2012

Les Dawson - His own worst critic

I was in a play on the TV once, it was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering: what's on the other channels?

Friday, 14 December 2012

Fridge

I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it

Thursday, 13 December 2012

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said

'I want to be a movie star.'

Tall, handsome and experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, 'What's your name?'

The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will
not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling
you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent
you.'

'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he
left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER...

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a
letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly
send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to
make it with my God given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never
make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your
office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to
change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed
with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so
the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke'

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Thoughts to ponder...

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

Thoughts to ponder...

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday ... laying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Monday, 10 December 2012

Male or female ?

SPONGES:

These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

Sunday, 9 December 2012

Church Bulletin

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Four Worms and a lesson to be learned

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following
results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service

Friday, 7 December 2012

Kulula Airline announcements

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our aeroplane to the gate!"

Thursday, 6 December 2012

Insults + Put-downs

A face to launch a thousand dredgers

Jack de Manio on Glenda Jackson

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Les Dawson - My family and other animals

My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Pedophile

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 23 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

Spider

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Saturday, 1 December 2012

Church Bulletin

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.