Picture and Intro

The intention is to make you smile every day; if you get a good belly laugh; so much the better. Every day we will deliver a short(ish) joke or one amusing photograph or cartoon. There will be no endless lists of jokes or photographs... if you don't find it amusing... there's always tomorrow.

Being totally 'politically correct' is impossible with humour (or in life for that matter), and we have no intention of being that boring. Whilst there is no intention to cause offence to anyone, with the wide choice of topics, it's possible that your nationality/religion/political inclination... will supply the punch line, or butt, of a joke. If you're likely to take offence, please do not subscribe, stay sad. For the rest of us, let's laugh at ourselves, as well as others.

The contributions come from a variety of sources; some are 'home grown', some submitted by friends, and from now, some will be from YOU. If you wish to contribute a joke, amusing photograph, or cartoon, please submit it using this form.

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Saturday, 30 November 2013

Paddy and Mick

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the
shampoo?" Paddy says, "Yes, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

Friday, 29 November 2013

Smart ass answers...

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your
stub.'

Wednesday, 27 November 2013

Quotes on Government

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin.
Mark Twain

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

US Patrolman said...

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or
I'll give you another ticket."

Monday, 25 November 2013

Sunday, 24 November 2013

Quotes on Government

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to
take everything you have.

Thomas Jefferson

Saturday, 23 November 2013

Paddy and Mick

Paddy says to Mick, "I ' m ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to
do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2
years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca
and Mary got pregnant.

Mick asks, "So what are you going to do this year?"

Paddy replies, "I'll take her with me!"

Friday, 22 November 2013

Les Dawson - My family and other animals

My mother wanted me to be brought up at Eton. My father said: 'He looks as
if he's been eaten and brought up.'

Thursday, 21 November 2013

Kulula Airline announcements

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Insults + Put-downs

"What problems do you have, apart from being blind, unemployed and a moron?"

John McEnroe to a Wimbledon spectator

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

Tommy Cooper

"I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day,
he told me he had taken a job as a postman.
He said it was better than walking the streets."

Monday, 18 November 2013

Smart ass answers...

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of
him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of
gas.'

Sunday, 17 November 2013

Quotes on Government

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics
won't take an interest in you!
Pericles (430 B.C.)

Saturday, 16 November 2013

Paddy and Mick

Mick walks into Paddy ' s barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a
tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and
Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist
recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

Friday, 15 November 2013

Old Classmates

My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first
appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I
remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in
my high school class some 40-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to
have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan park high
school.

'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.

When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'

You were in my class!' I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, grey-haired,
decrepit, son-of-a-bitch asked,

What did you teach?

Thursday, 14 November 2013

Never force children to pray

At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the family into prayer...

Dad: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor,
etc.
Little Boy : "Dear Lord" he started "Thank you for our visitors and their
children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they
won't come again.
Forgive our neighbour's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled
with her on her bed.
this coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on
my
daddy's blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's
room when daddy is at work. AMEN "

Mom and Dad did not have dinner that evening.....

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Music

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot
of my bed. At first I was afraid... then I was petrified.

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

US Patrolman said...

"In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."  ( National Crime
Information Center )

Monday, 11 November 2013

Kulula Airline announcements

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything
left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
do not leave children or spouses."

Sunday, 10 November 2013

How Boys Are Born

A little boy goes to his father and asks
'Daddy, how was I born?' The father
answers: 'Well son, I guess one day
you will need to find out anyway! Your
Mom and I first got together in a chat
room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date
via e-mail with your Mom and we met
at a cyber-café. We sneaked into a
secluded room, where your mother
agreed to a download from my hard
drive. As soon as I was ready to upload,
we discovered that neither one of us had
used a firewall, and since it was too late
to hit the delete button, nine months later
a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll Down
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You got Male! ???

Saturday, 9 November 2013

How the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place
expensive... So, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

Friday, 8 November 2013

Golf

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is
synonymous with the game of golf.
You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

Thursday, 7 November 2013

Girlfriend

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

Great train journey

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to
other people,found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both
very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the
lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend
that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f***ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Did they really mean to write...

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sunday, 3 November 2013

Breakfast

At breakfast the girl said to me "do you want tea or coffee".
I said "can I have a black tea please"
She said "sure, do you want milk with that?"

Saturday, 2 November 2013

Friday, 1 November 2013

Blondes

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun,
and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts
it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'