Picture and Intro

The intention is to make you smile every day; if you get a good belly laugh; so much the better. Every day we will deliver a short(ish) joke or one amusing photograph or cartoon. There will be no endless lists of jokes or photographs... if you don't find it amusing... there's always tomorrow.

Being totally 'politically correct' is impossible with humour (or in life for that matter), and we have no intention of being that boring. Whilst there is no intention to cause offence to anyone, with the wide choice of topics, it's possible that your nationality/religion/political inclination... will supply the punch line, or butt, of a joke. If you're likely to take offence, please do not subscribe, stay sad. For the rest of us, let's laugh at ourselves, as well as others.

The contributions come from a variety of sources; some are 'home grown', some submitted by friends, and from now, some will be from YOU. If you wish to contribute a joke, amusing photograph, or cartoon, please submit it using this form.

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Saturday, 31 May 2014

Male logic

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one
carton of milk, And if hey have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

(If you're female, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Males will
get it the first time.)

Friday, 30 May 2014

CIA

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.  After all the background checks,
interviews
and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.  
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a Gen. "We must know that
you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... kill her!!!"
The man said "You can't be serious.  I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job.  Take your
wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room.  All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn.  She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room.  Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the
walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.  The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.  "This gun is loaded with blanks",
she said. "I had to kill him with the chair"

Thursday, 29 May 2014

Love letter

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be
Relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Les Dawson - My mother in law

She's got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. But she's got the things most
men desire . . . muscles and a moustache.

Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Monday, 26 May 2014

Irish Jokes

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

Sunday, 25 May 2014

Classified Add

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife
knows everything.

Saturday, 24 May 2014

Senior prenup

An older couple reaching their 70s are about to get married, but before they
say their vows, the woman wanted to talk.
 
She said:  "I want to keep my house."
 
He said:  "That's fine with me."
 
She said:  "I want to keep my Cadillac."
 
He said:  "That's fine with me."
 
She said:  "And I want to have sex 6 times a week."
 
He said:  "Put me down for Fridays."
 
 
 
 
 
 
  
 

Friday, 23 May 2014

Thursday, 22 May 2014

Alligator shoes

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the young blonde declared,'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out
and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' 

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 
'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?' 

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. 
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young
woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. 
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning
reflexes, 

the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery
bank. 
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched
in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator

Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration ... 
"Sonofabitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

Wednesday, 21 May 2014

Les Dawson - My wife

When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She
said: 'You'd be at home, there's a stye in one of them.'

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Kulula Airline announcements

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on
with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we
will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal

Monday, 19 May 2014

Drink

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and knickers.

Sunday, 18 May 2014

Tommy Cooper

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

Saturday, 17 May 2014

The wonderful Brian

A man walked out into the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got
into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like
Brian!"
 
Passenger: "Who?"
 
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. A
bit like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to
Brian Sullivan, every single time."
 
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
 
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pro's. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star...... and you should have
heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
 
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
 
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and even
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a
fuse, and the whole street blacks out But Brian Sullivan, he could do
everything right."
 
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
 
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong ...... and
his clothing was always immaculate - shoes highly polished too. He was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian
Sullivan!"
 
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
 
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his
f****ing' widow."

Thursday, 15 May 2014

Wednesday, 14 May 2014

Quick learner

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission
in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realises
that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says
to the chief, 'This is a tree.'
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he
points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a
rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilised and be kind to each other, so how
could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, 'My bike.'

Monday, 12 May 2014

Thought

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

Sunday, 11 May 2014

Smart kids

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the
teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically
impossible.
The little girl said,
'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked,
'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied,
'Then you ask him'.

Saturday, 10 May 2014

Tommy Cooper

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Friday, 9 May 2014

Rodney Dangerfield

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

Thursday, 8 May 2014

Remember

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression
that he just cleaned the whole house.

Tuesday, 6 May 2014

Survey

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live
longer than the men who mention it.

Sunday, 4 May 2014

Aphorism

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Saturday, 3 May 2014

Surgery Lawsuit

A recent article in the Wellington Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard,
the local head of the ACLU, has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after
her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman responded:

"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his
eyesight."

Friday, 2 May 2014

A politically incorrect look back at 2012

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they
tested positive for WD40.

Thursday, 1 May 2014

Life Cycle of a Man's Love Life

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time, and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.  So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.