Did they really mean to write...

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

Balls

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in Parliament playing marbles.

Bumper stickers

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet.
      
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of
his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back
a  semen sample tomorrow.' 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like
this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing. 

'Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand, then with
her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,  first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing. 

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her
knees, but still nothing

The doctor was shocked!  
 
'You asked your neighbour?'   
 
The old man replied,  
  
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

US Patrolman said...

"Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

A lesson in grammar

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a
nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!
The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned,
'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked,
"How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded,
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for ?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle

Did they really mean to write...

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE
1ST FLOOR

Doormats

How the fight started...

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes.."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her
a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write
'Spaghetti' on the back.  He would then arrange for the child support
payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.  The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

Insults + Put-downs

"Literary awards are like haemorrhoids. Sooner or later, every ----hole gets one"

Frederic Raphael

Les Dawson - Keeping up with the Joneses

The people next door are awful. At three o'clock this morning they were banging on the walls and screaming.
Good job I wasn't trying to sleep - I was playing my drums at the time.

Wonderful quotes

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased
to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine
against a wall.'

Eleanor Roosevelt

Doormats