Irish Candle

Mrs. O'Malley was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. O'Malley and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'

 She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

 The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

 She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...' they then parted ways.

 Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. O'Malley, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

 The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

Insults + Put-downs

“When they circumcised Herbert Samuel, they threw away the wrong bit”

David Lloyd George on the Liberal home secretary

Golf

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.

Girls say...

He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed…married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

When women fail to supervise men...

Old Age

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Tommy Cooper

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.

'Can't you ring your bell?' She said.

 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'but I can't ride my bike'.

Obedient Wives

God promised man that good, obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

Then God smiled... and made the earth round.

Insults + Put-downs

He has been going around the country deliberately stirring up apathy.

William Whitelaw on Harold Wilson

Golf

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

Jack Lemmon

Pub

I was in a pub on Saturday night.

Had a few....

I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them chirped: "It's WALES, ya flippin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologised and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

That's the last thing I remember...

Mother in supermarket

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Good-bye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Girls say...

He said to me... what do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

I said to him. . .. A widow.

Tommy Cooper

This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'.

So I took up a collection.