Tommy Cooper

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Smart ass answers...

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the
officer said.

The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.

Wonderful quotes

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

Quotes on Government

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

George Bernard Shaw

Kulula Airline announcements

And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight
attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Tommy Cooper

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Quotes on Government

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of government. But
then I repeat myself.

Mark Twain

Insults + Put-downs

"Most people are using two-piece cues now, but Alex Higgins doesn't have one
because they don't come with instructions"

Steve Davis

Driver's License

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,  
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really
none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her
friend.

'Well,' says the friend,  
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.  
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,  
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,  
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,   
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

Les Dawson - My family and other animals

I bought my wife a pressure cooker. God knows what she did with it, but
she's the first woman to put a turnip in orbit.

Romance

Wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: If you are sleeping,
send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are
eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are
crying, send me your tears. I love you!
  
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied,
  
"I am on the toilet. Please advise."

US Patrolman said...

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after
you wear them a while."

Smart ass answers...

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do
these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

How the fight started...

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...