Male or female ?

PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up
again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong ones.

Les Dawson - My family and other animals

My wife's brother was bone idle. He asked me to lend him a fiver. I said I'd
only got four quid and he said: 'That's fine, you can owe me one.'

Kulula Airline announcements

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

Insults + Put-downs

"Just because she's dead doesn't mean she's gonna change"
Bette Davis on Joan Crawford

Tommy Cooper

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'.
I said 'I want a second opinion'.
He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

When women fail to supervise men...

When children put their spin on sayings...

A penny saved is not much.

Kulula Airline announcements

On landing, the stewardess said,
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

Wonderful quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

The new and improved HCG diet

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for
my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and I was in the check-out line when a
woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little
to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting
the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up
in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs
in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it
works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and
got hit by a car.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired
people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.

Poker

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses 500 quid on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost 500 quid, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

When children put their spin on sayings...

The pen is mightier than the pigs.

Tommy Cooper

I went to the doctor the other day
I said 'have you got anything for wind'
so he gave me a kite.

Real airline 'gripe sheet'...

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.