Will I Live to see 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive
Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I will soon turn
Sixty Five).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you
think I'll live to be 80?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...
She looked at me and said,..
'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

Who Failed Med School Exam

Now I finally know how people in North America got into politics!

hen I was young my intent was to go to medical school. The
entrance exam included several questions that would determine
eligibility.

One of the questions was: "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to
spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when
erect."

Those who spelled "SPINE" became Doctors...

The rest ended up in Washington or Ottawa

Tommy Cooper

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in
here."

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and
take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS, 'SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.'"
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the
photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS! "
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out,
"BOTH OF US????"

Winter

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were
listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We
are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week or so later, while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must
park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can
get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

A few days later, they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."
Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a
worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of
the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding that all long-married husbands possess,
he replied, "Why don't you just leave the f**king car in the garage this
time?"

Marital Humour

A man asked a fairy to make him irresistible and desirable to all women, and
she turned him into a credit card

Walk the walk

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you
and cussing a blue streak at him.
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life'
license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and
the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally... I
assumed you had stolen the car."

Togetherness-Scottish style

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the father says.
"We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Leeds and tell her."

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell
they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're
coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

Wish I'd Said That!

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part
of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

John Glenn

Offensive humour...

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast
shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with
her mouth shut.

Remember

My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Not PC but...

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going
to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough.once she killed herself I
started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "F*ck it".soldier on.

Question/Answer

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Politically Incorrect

8 immigrants were suffocated in the back of
a Tesco lorry last night. Every little helps.

Paraprosdokians

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

My mother taught me

FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case
you're in an accident."

Offensive humour...

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches
tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

Paraprosdokians

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency,
Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

One liners

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a "roger". It was
only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to
rent her spare room out!

Never lose your grandson

My small grandson got lost in a shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed security guard and said:
"I've lost my grandpa"
The guard asked:
"What's his name?"
"Grandpa"
The guard smiled , then asked "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied:
"Glenfiddich whisky and women with big tits".

Not PC but...

Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged
millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tragedy of
Hurricane Higgins.

My mother taught me

HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

No Beer, Fishing, or Golf

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man
who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer
with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?"
the man asked.

"Are you nuts?" replied the homeless man.
"I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay.
It's important for her to see what a man looks like
after he has given up beer, fishing, and golf."

Prayer for Grandpa

Dear God, please send clothes
for all those poor ladies on
grandpa's computer . Amen.

Remember

A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'

Paraprosdokians

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Offensive humour...

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could
look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself .......
I'm going to have that.

Overheard on the tube

'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into
the doors.'

One liners

The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent
out to help with the nuclear disaster. They said they were delicious!

Not PC but...

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I
should have taken them off.

The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss
the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her,
and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not,
go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response...'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the
den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and
repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife
and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for
dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

'For God's sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

Think BEFORE you speak

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict
snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!

Wish I'd Said That!

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but
I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The Blonde and the Milkman

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.  He thought
she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking
me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons.  I'm going to fill my bathtub up
with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurised?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes!"


... in memory of Benny Hill

Wise decision

An old Woman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get
Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson's - Better to spill half my
wine than to forget where I keep the bottle."

Tommy Cooper

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"

Thought

My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

Golf

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the
dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in
my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I
don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth,
and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in
town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic
to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave
man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the
pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him .

Marriage

The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a
woman want?"

Dumas

Confucius did not say:

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Court transcripts

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising
law.

Did they really mean to write...

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Drink

Scotch is a brilliant invention..........
One double and you start feeling single again

Geography of Women

After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

My mother taught me

ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know
when you are cold?"

Holy humour

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls,
what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

Marriage

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep
her.

King David

Manners

A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following
question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

'Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by
saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would
you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be
right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the
dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and
show us your good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I
have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to
introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

My father taught me

about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock
you into the middle of next week!"

Confucius did not say:

A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.

Marriage

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murray

My father taught me

IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

Overheard on the tube

'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on
any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only
fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

Court transcripts

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Husband Handbook

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'

He stormed in to his wife in the kitchen and announced,

"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my
word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm
finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After
dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind
of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can
relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, 'The f--kin' funeral director would be my first guess.'

Not PC but...

My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last
night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used
something though?" He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"

My mother taught me

TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."

Senior citizen centre

It was entertainment night at the senior citizen centre.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano,it was time for the
star of the show- Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his
waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch
high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six
generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting.
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently
swaying watch.
They were hypnotised. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"
"SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizen Centre and Claude was
never invited there again.

Actual complaints received by Thomas Cook from dissatisfied customers:

"My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were
placed in a room with a king bed.
We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I
became pregnant.
This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Lottery

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the
Lottery?"
 
"I'd take half and leave you"  she says.
 
"Great" he says. "Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch."

Keep it clean

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine
sermon. Damned good!' The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you
didn't use profanity.' The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that
sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!' The preacher
said, 'No shit?'

Drink

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

My mother taught me

RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

Marriage

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous

Geography of Women

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently ageing but still a warm
and desirable place to visit.

My father taught me

about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out
just like you !"

Court transcripts

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

Did they really mean to write...

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Marital Humour

A little boy went up to his father and asked :
'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?' His father replied:
'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have
mine.'

Two elderly ladies discussing...

My memory really sucks Mildred, so I changed my password to "incorrect".
That way when I log in with the wrong password, the computer will tell me...
"Your password is incorrect."

Wish I'd Said That!

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out
the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

Rodney Dangerfield

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?'
She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

Paraprosdokians

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong

Overheard on the tube

'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for
the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some
time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'.'

Over 60....

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

One liners

A man approaches a young woman in a shop. He says "I can't find my wife,
can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?" "
Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like
yours, she appears out of nowhere!"

Offensive humour...

I had a Trivia competition in the bag until the very last question
....... which I got wrong. The question was 'Where do women have the
curliest hair Apparently the correct answer was Fiji .

Politically Incorrect

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

Players

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole
heads of lettuce.
The man persists, and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask
his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some a**hole
wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he
turned to & find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And
this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on
their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Canada , sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores, and hockey players up
there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'

'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

Paraprosdokians

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.

Overheard on the tube

'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I
know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

Over 60....

This a**hole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said,
"Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

One liners

Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk".
Husband says "that's not true .. sometimes I want a kebab"

Offensive humour...

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said "sorry
about the wait." I said "don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually."

Thought

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Think BEFORE you speak

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked
if we needed any help. I replied, ' No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Stay

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and
rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had
fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon
her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward,pointing
my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay! Do you
hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange
look and asked,

"Why don't you just put the hand brake on?"

Rodney Dangerfield

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Remember

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.

Paraprosdokians

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

Overheard on the tube

'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please
hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

Rodney Dangerfield

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had
anything to play with.

Tax return

This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return.

The HMRC has returned the Tax Return to a man in Evesham after he apparently
answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependant on you?"

The man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4
million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85
prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European
Commission".

The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

The man's response back to HMRC was "Whom did I miss out?"

Switzerland

Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they
stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of
cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a
lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no
longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old
goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

Think BEFORE you speak

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several
minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at
the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him
and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

Thought

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play
chess?

Why Men Wear Earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an
earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow
and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him
to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

Wife Store

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Tommy Cooper

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything."

Viagra

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and
eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. "It's this
Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of
soup, home-made muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a
juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not
hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

Two Nuns

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the
Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the
room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.

In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

Who is a Psychiatrist?

A qualified person who gives you an expensive and critical analysis about
yourself, which your spouse gives for free, daily too!

Wish I'd Said That!

If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the
airport.

Jonathan Winters

My kind of Salesman.

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got
called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military
induction centre.
Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new
recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which
they were entitled.
The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up
rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was
remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for
the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing
at no charge.
The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing
and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said,
"If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets
youself killed, da govment' pays you benefishery $20,000.
If you takes out da suppmental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars
a munt, den da governmen' gots ta pay you benefishery $400,000!
"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta
Afghanistan first?

Paraprosdokians

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Telephone call

This is Daddy.
'Is Mommy near the phone?' 
 
'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
 
After a brief pause,
 
Daddy says,
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
 
'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'
 
Brief Pause.....
 
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that
Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'
 
A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.
 
'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?'
 
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming.
 
Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she
isn't moving at all!'

'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
 
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the
bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
 
Long Pause...
 
Longer Pause......
 
Even Longer Pause..............
 
Then Daddy says,

'Swimming pool? ...........
 
Is this 486-5731?'

 
No, I think you have the wrong number

Smart kids

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to
buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's
Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting
senile Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to
zip down.'

Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a massage parlour. It was self-service.

Remember

Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
An impressive new book. It's called ...
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

Politically Incorrect

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo
with blood pouring from them
"B*ll*ks to that" said Paddy
"That's the last time I go lion dancing"

Paraprosdokians

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

Two older women

Two older women were having lunch together while discussing the merits of
cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you. I'm getting a
boob-job."

The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my
ar*e-hole bleached!"

"Oh! Dear!" replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a
blonde!"

Not PC but...

The wife's back on the warpath again she was up for making a home movie last
night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

Overheard on the tube

'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

Nursery Rhyme

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

Neighbour

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Harry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I
have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can
no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and
without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

  Bloody autopsied! I meant "wifi, not "wife" . . . . .

Actual complaints received by Thomas Cook from dissatisfied customers:

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every
restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

Why Ethel Changed Motels

Last week, Ethel checked in to a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a
bit lonely.  She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in
phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling
himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills
flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long
powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she
could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled butt.  She figured, what the
heck, nobody will ever know.  I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo  sexy!  Afraid she would lose her nerve if she
hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage.  I'd
like you to come to my motel room and give me one.  No, wait, I should be
straight with you.  I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I
want it hot, and I want it now.  Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather,
whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.  We'll go hot and heavy
all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream,
anything and everything, I'm ready!!  Now how does that sound?"

He said,

"That sounds absolutely fantastic,... but you need to press 9 for an outside
line."

RAC

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked . The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself
'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'

Wonderful quotes

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out
- Phyllis Diller

Tommy Cooper

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU!
I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said 'No, I've got china in my hand.'

Not PC but...

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig
a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They
worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the
next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole,
the other filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work,
but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger,
"I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I
don't get it, why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind
and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I
suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team,
but today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

Wish I'd Said That!

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out
the garbage.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

TV

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a
fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to
fish!"

Wal-Mart interview

Jennifer, a manager at a west coast Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone
to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found
four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in
and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them
would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer
asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

Norm replied, 'A THOUGHT' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?' she asked Scot.

'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it
ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliché for speed.' She then turned to Mel, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant 'Yup, TURNING
ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.'

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found
her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to Ralphie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same
question.

Old Ralphie replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious
to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'

'WHAT?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Ralphie. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good,
and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE
LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'

Ralphie is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

Paraprosdokians

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Over 60....

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman
was born just by feeling her boobs.  
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."  

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and
said.   
"Come on, what day was I born"?  

I said, "Yesterday." 

Overheard on the tube

'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last
Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news
is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham,
which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

One liners

David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim
benefits. From next week the forms will be printed in English.

Old uns

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club
with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired
woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm
and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they
corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but
continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only
50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

Pain

Mowed the lawn today and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice
cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful,
and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful
than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up
with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is
the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice
to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would
like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

Offensive humour...

I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy
peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sitting there said "I've not eaten for two days." I
told him "I wish I had your will power"

Overheard on the tube

'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

Paraprosdokians

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

One liners

A farmer gets a phone call from his son. "I've run over a pig and its stuck
under the tractor still alive." "Shoot it," says the farmer, "and then bury
it." About 20 minutes later he gets another call..."
"Done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?"

Doctor

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small
penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack
of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for
me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

Politically Incorrect

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed.
The police are blaming AL IKEA .

Offensive humour...

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him
"What's wrong?" The boy says "Me ma is dead". "Oh bejaysus" the man says
"Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ?"The boy replies "No
tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment."

Nursery Rhyme

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Offensive humour...

A woman has a medical at the Doctors; "you are grossly overweight" he
says. "I want a 2nd opinion", she exclaimed "OK- you're bloody ugly as
well"

Marriage

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Holy humour

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long
holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars
ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as
if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Lee Trevino

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a
professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas, 
mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house,
lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English?" 


Lee responded, "Yes Ma'am, I do." 


The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work?" 


Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her." 


The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

Overheard on the tube

'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E &
B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any
further information as soon as I'm given any.'

Man Logic

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
 
Man: Yes
 
Woman:
How many beers a day?
 
Man:
Usually about 3
 
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
 
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
 
(This is where it gets scary !)
 
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
 
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
 
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each
month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 am I correct?
 
Man:
Correct
 
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
 
Man:
Correct
 
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a
Porsche?
 
Man:
Do you drink beer?
 
Woman:
No
 
Man:
Where's your Porsche?

Think BEFORE you speak

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

Drink

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in making you think you can dance.

Did they really mean to write...

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

Court transcripts

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: August 3rd.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

Shades of Grey

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards then backwards, forward then backward, again and again.
Back and forth, back and forth, in and out,
a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"OK, OK, I can't parallel park you do it, you smug bastard."

Don't Fart in Harrods!

A woman walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets  lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today? Blushing and uncomfortable, but, still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident',

She asks, 'what is the price of  this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

Man and woman

 A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh, she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."

Tommy Cooper

"So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

One liners

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including
cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found behind a Job Centre in
Merseyside. The locals are said to be in a state of shock........ They had
no idea they had a Job Centre!

Paraprosdokians

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the
target.

Over 60....

I went to the pub last night and saw a  fat chick dancing on a table.  
I said, "Nice legs."   
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."  
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.  " 

Not PC but...

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serve
breakfast until 11.30.

Question/Answer

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES ORIGINALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wet and wild, and when they go, they take
your house and car with them.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago
last night.

Court transcripts

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

Question/Answer

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a Goodyear

Rodney Dangerfield

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?'
He said, 'Because you came home early.'

Study of Crow Road Kills in Alberta

A recent AB Govt. study, has found over 200 dead crows near Calgary, Alberta
and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus. A
Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the
problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed
by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. The
Provincial Government hired an Ornithological Behaviourist from Toronto to
determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car
kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.

When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a lookout crow in a nearby tree
to warn of impending danger. His conclusion was that: The lookout crow
could say "Cah",

but he could not say "Truck."

You've got to love a good nurse

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.  The
doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman
kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. 
 
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him
about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough
so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
 
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips
of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence:
"Get well soon from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last
week."

Thought

Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

Tommy Cooper

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Wish I'd Said That!

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Robert Benchley

Canadian Taxes

At the end of the tax year, Revenue Canada office sent an inspector to
audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books,
he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said "I notice you buy a lot of
bandages.

What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be
of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way? "What about
all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after
setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap
him
with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the
manufacturer
and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all CFO. "Well, What do you do with all the remains from the
circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the
little foreskins and send them to the Revenue Canada office, and about once
a year
they send us a complete prick."

Confucius did not say:

Man who runs in front of car gets tired.

Drink

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

Marriage

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once....

Nash

Did they really mean to write...

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Church Bulletin

The Minister for next week can be found hanging on the notice board outside.

Marriage

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud

Les Dawson - Wedding Bells

I'm not saying the bride looked a mess but the vicar wore blinkers.

5 Rules for men to follow

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to
time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with
you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or
you could end up dead like me.

Holy humour

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what
the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible
means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for
"Basic Information Before Leaving Earth"

Trust...

A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she
can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a
drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us,
so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?

Grandma's Home Remedies

"For better digestion I drink beer, in the case of appetite loss I drink
white wine, in the case of low blood pressure I drink red wine, in the case
of high blood pressure I drink scotch, and when I have a cold I drink
schnapps."
"When do you drink water?"
"I've never been that sick!"

Geography of Women

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild,
fertile and naturally beautiful!

Dublin

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced
they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

Did they really mean to write...

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial
Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the
editor realised that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a
correction the next day.

Confucius did not say:

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Church Bulletin

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.

Drink

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.

Classified Add

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

Children

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

British Newspapers

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked
him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have
a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover
off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

Not PC but...

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last
night, took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.

Marital Humour

What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
'Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything

Les Dawson - One-liners

I wouldn't say they were posh, but the toilet coughed before it flushed.

Honeymoon

A young couple left the church and
arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their
honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks,
his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all
mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected
my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his
bride once again asked,

"What's wrong with your knees? They're
all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he
explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness
that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with
this answer.

As the undressing continued, her
husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said.

"Let me
guess... smallcox"

Little known fact

The first testicular guard "cup" was used in ice hockey in 1874 and the
first helmet was used in 1974.

That means it took 100 years for men to realise that their brain is also
important.

Kulula Airline announcements

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today And, the next time
you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised
metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

Irish Jokes

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "They have to go backwards. If they fell
forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

Lemons

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me
seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into
a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Irish Jokes

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

Best Speeding Excuse Ever

When asked by a young patrol officer, "Do you know you were speeding?"
 
This 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and
stated:-
"Yes, but .... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."
 
The officer put his ticket book away and said "Have good day"

Marital Humour

Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue.
Ur beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue.
Ur my headache, one day I'll kill u.

Cartoon about Maturing

Les Dawson - My wife

She has a fear that one night in a dark street a sex maniac will jump out
and ignore her.

Learning to swear

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.

The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started
learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say
something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants
for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK!

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and
runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping
his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let
you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios!"

Leroy

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need
all your children's names.'

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all
named Leighroy.'

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named
Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get
them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time
for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin. An' if I need
to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of
them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and
says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the
whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

Irish Jokes

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

Church Bulletin

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM ..
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Marital Humour

Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks,
but paying the bill does

Cartoon about Maturing

Les Dawson - My wife

I said to the chemist: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?'
He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She keeps waking up.'

Jehovah's Witness

There was a knock on the door this morning.

I opened it to find a young man standing there who said: "Hello sir,
I'm a Jehovah's Witness ."

I said "Come in and sit down."

I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Damned if I know, I've never got this far before."

Insults + Put-downs

"He can't kick with his left foot, he can't head, he can't tackle, and he
doesn't score many goals. Apart from that, he's all right"

George Best on David Beckham

Irish Jokes

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

Holy humour

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The
owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to
the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient
vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

Male logic

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one
carton of milk, And if hey have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

(If you're female, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Males will
get it the first time.)

CIA

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.  After all the background checks,
interviews
and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.  
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a Gen. "We must know that
you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... kill her!!!"
The man said "You can't be serious.  I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job.  Take your
wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room.  All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn.  She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room.  Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the
walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.  The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.  "This gun is loaded with blanks",
she said. "I had to kill him with the chair"

Love letter

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be
Relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Les Dawson - My mother in law

She's got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. But she's got the things most
men desire . . . muscles and a moustache.

Insults + Put-downs

"Women should be obscene and not heard"

Groucho Marx

Irish Jokes

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

Classified Add

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife
knows everything.

Senior prenup

An older couple reaching their 70s are about to get married, but before they
say their vows, the woman wanted to talk.
 
She said:  "I want to keep my house."
 
He said:  "That's fine with me."
 
She said:  "I want to keep my Cadillac."
 
He said:  "That's fine with me."
 
She said:  "And I want to have sex 6 times a week."
 
He said:  "Put me down for Fridays."
 
 
 
 
 
 
  
 

Confucius did not say:

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Alligator shoes

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the young blonde declared,'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out
and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' 

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 
'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?' 

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. 
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young
woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. 
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning
reflexes, 

the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery
bank. 
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched
in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator

Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration ... 
"Sonofabitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

Les Dawson - My wife

When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She
said: 'You'd be at home, there's a stye in one of them.'

Kulula Airline announcements

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on
with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we
will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal

Drink

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and knickers.

Tommy Cooper

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

The wonderful Brian

A man walked out into the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got
into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like
Brian!"
 
Passenger: "Who?"
 
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. A
bit like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to
Brian Sullivan, every single time."
 
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
 
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pro's. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star...... and you should have
heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
 
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
 
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and even
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a
fuse, and the whole street blacks out But Brian Sullivan, he could do
everything right."
 
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
 
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong ...... and
his clothing was always immaculate - shoes highly polished too. He was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian
Sullivan!"
 
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
 
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his
f****ing' widow."

Confucius did not say:

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Classified Add

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

Quick learner

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission
in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realises
that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says
to the chief, 'This is a tree.'
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he
points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a
rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilised and be kind to each other, so how
could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, 'My bike.'

Sign

Thought

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

Smart kids

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the
teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically
impossible.
The little girl said,
'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked,
'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied,
'Then you ask him'.

Tommy Cooper

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Rodney Dangerfield

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

Remember

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression
that he just cleaned the whole house.

Sign

Survey

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live
longer than the men who mention it.

Andy Rooney on Sex

Virginity can be cured.

Aphorism

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Surgery Lawsuit

A recent article in the Wellington Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard,
the local head of the ACLU, has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after
her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman responded:

"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his
eyesight."

A politically incorrect look back at 2012

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they
tested positive for WD40.

Life Cycle of a Man's Love Life

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time, and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.  So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

Over 60....

I was talking to a  girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds,had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd
look all right."
I said, "If I did that,  I'd be talking to your friends over there instead
of you."

Old age

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,
watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

On day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe
he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so,
Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam
didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened
to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one
day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,
'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I
was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.

Only in Ireland

Nursery Rhyme

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

Password

A wife helps her man install a new computer.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a a word that he'll always
remember as his password. 

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho
gesture and a wink of his eye, 
he selects a word.
He is annoyed with her reaction, when he selects: mypenis

As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife 
collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria
 
The computer system had replied:
 
TOO SHORT - ACCESS DENIED!

Old Chinese Proverb

An elderly woman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get
Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinsons - better to spill half
my wine than to forget where I put the bottle."

Marital Humour

Jimmy's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
'Jimmy seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time
thinking about girls.'
The mother wrote back the next day:
'If you find a solution, please advise.
I have the same problem with his father!'

Paraprosdokians

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Politically Incorrect

Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway. Policeman says
"Do you know the limit is 70?"
The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that - 3 of you have got
to get out!"

Overheard on the tube

'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me,
so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like
that'

One liners

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .
They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement. It
was a mortar attack.

Offensive humour...

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a
farmer in the fields and shouts down to him "Where am I ?" The Irish
farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You can't fool me, you're in that
basket up there."

Nursery Rhyme

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Not PC but...

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next dump could
spell disaster.

Three blonde wannabe detectives

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
Toronto Police Force.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So you all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a
detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things
such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew
it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any
distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!" The
detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this
picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face
for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything
unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The
detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I
just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course
you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde
sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face
for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice
anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said,
"I sure did. This man wears contact lenses. "The detective frowned, took
another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the
folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world
could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes
and said,

"Well, Hellooooooooooooo!

With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Aphorism

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Apologies in advance if this offends...

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of
ham then delete it. It's spam.

Holy humour

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the centre of
attention.

British Newspapers

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a
spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time
of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up
during the explosion that destroyed his house.'

(The Daily Telegraph)

Les Dawson - My mother in law

THE wife's mother said: 'When you're dead, I'll dance on your grave.' I
said: 'Good. I'm being buried at sea.'

Paraprosdokians

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Italian Altar Boy's confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

I have been with a loose girl'..

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight-lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Marital Humour

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

Les Dawson - My wife

I took her for better or for worse. But she turned out worse than I took her
for.

Holy humour

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

I Think You're The Father of One of My Kids...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notice a very attractive woman waving at
him.
She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love
to on the pool table,
with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet
celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1- These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Holiday

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking
Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our
country?'

Puns

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

EU Directive No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration with the Single European
currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern
Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be
used after 31st December 2013.

From this date onwards, the correct terminology will be:'Euro-nating'.

One liners

I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer,
dinner once since the first beating

Only in Ireland