Tommy Cooper

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?"
The man says "A premature ejaculation."
"What?" says the woman.
The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

Women Drivers

Understanding engineers

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

When children put their spin on sayings...

Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.

Wonderful quotes

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

George Burns

When children put their spin on sayings...

There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.

Understanding engineers

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Thoughts to ponder...

Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Relationships

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep.

Real airline 'gripe sheet'...

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Proof that the world is nuts...

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Peter Cook

Man A: "I'm writing a novel"

Man B: "Yes, neither am I."

Church Bulletin

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

Golf

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.

Jimmy DeMaret

Insults + Put-downs

"In my experience, men are creatures with two legs and eight arms"

Jayne Mansfield

Kulula Airline announcements

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aeroplane."

Male or female ?

TRAINS:

Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

Les Dawson - One-liners

I crossed a parrot with a hen - got an egg that tells you when it's done.

Tommy Cooper

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs.

She won, she had the hammer.

Insults + Put-downs

"I have tried to read Shakespeare, and I found it so intolerably dull that it nauseated me"

Charles Darwin

When children put their spin on sayings...

A miss is as good as a

Mr.

Putting vehicles to full use

Relationships

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds.
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing.
'You can have mine.'

Proof that the world is nuts...

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

Peter Cook

"I could have been a judge, but I never had the Latin… I would much prefer to be a judge than a coal miner, because of the absence of falling coal."

Nostalgia for the 1950s

Male or female ?

Web pages:

Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

Kulula Airline announcements

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

Insults + Put-downs

"The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers"

Woody Allen

Proof that the world is nuts...

In  Bahrain, a male doctor may  legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection  in a mirror. 

(Do they look different reversed?)

Male or female ?

TYRES:

Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated