Tommy Cooper

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU!
I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said 'No, I've got china in my hand.'

Not PC but...

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig
a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They
worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the
next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole,
the other filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work,
but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger,
"I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I
don't get it, why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind
and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I
suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team,
but today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

Wish I'd Said That!

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out
the garbage.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

TV

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a
fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to
fish!"

Wal-Mart interview

Jennifer, a manager at a west coast Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone
to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found
four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in
and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them
would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer
asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

Norm replied, 'A THOUGHT' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?' she asked Scot.

'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it
ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliché for speed.' She then turned to Mel, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant 'Yup, TURNING
ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.'

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found
her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to Ralphie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same
question.

Old Ralphie replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious
to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'

'WHAT?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Ralphie. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good,
and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE
LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'

Ralphie is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

Paraprosdokians

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Over 60....

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman
was born just by feeling her boobs.  
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."  

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and
said.   
"Come on, what day was I born"?  

I said, "Yesterday." 

Overheard on the tube

'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last
Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news
is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham,
which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

One liners

David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim
benefits. From next week the forms will be printed in English.

Old uns

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club
with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired
woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm
and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they
corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but
continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only
50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

Pain

Mowed the lawn today and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice
cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful,
and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful
than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up
with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is
the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice
to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would
like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

Offensive humour...

I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy
peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sitting there said "I've not eaten for two days." I
told him "I wish I had your will power"

Overheard on the tube

'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

Paraprosdokians

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

One liners

A farmer gets a phone call from his son. "I've run over a pig and its stuck
under the tractor still alive." "Shoot it," says the farmer, "and then bury
it." About 20 minutes later he gets another call..."
"Done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?"

Doctor

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small
penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack
of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for
me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

Politically Incorrect

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed.
The police are blaming AL IKEA .

Offensive humour...

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him
"What's wrong?" The boy says "Me ma is dead". "Oh bejaysus" the man says
"Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ?"The boy replies "No
tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment."

Nursery Rhyme

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Offensive humour...

A woman has a medical at the Doctors; "you are grossly overweight" he
says. "I want a 2nd opinion", she exclaimed "OK- you're bloody ugly as
well"

Marriage

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Holy humour

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long
holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars
ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as
if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Lee Trevino

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a
professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas, 
mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house,
lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English?" 


Lee responded, "Yes Ma'am, I do." 


The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work?" 


Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her." 


The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

Overheard on the tube

'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E &
B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any
further information as soon as I'm given any.'

Man Logic

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
 
Man: Yes
 
Woman:
How many beers a day?
 
Man:
Usually about 3
 
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
 
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
 
(This is where it gets scary !)
 
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
 
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
 
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each
month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 am I correct?
 
Man:
Correct
 
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
 
Man:
Correct
 
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a
Porsche?
 
Man:
Do you drink beer?
 
Woman:
No
 
Man:
Where's your Porsche?

Think BEFORE you speak

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

Drink

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in making you think you can dance.

Did they really mean to write...

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

Court transcripts

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: August 3rd.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

Shades of Grey

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards then backwards, forward then backward, again and again.
Back and forth, back and forth, in and out,
a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"OK, OK, I can't parallel park you do it, you smug bastard."

Don't Fart in Harrods!

A woman walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets  lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today? Blushing and uncomfortable, but, still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident',

She asks, 'what is the price of  this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"