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Picture and Intro
The intention is to make you smile every day; if you get a good belly laugh; so much the better. Every day we will deliver a short(ish) joke or one amusing photograph or cartoon. There will be no endless lists of jokes or photographs... if you don't find it amusing... there's always tomorrow.Being totally 'politically correct' is impossible with humour (or in life for that matter), and we have no intention of being that boring. Whilst there is no intention to cause offence to anyone, with the wide choice of topics, it's possible that your nationality/religion/political inclination... will supply the punch line, or butt, of a joke. If you're likely to take offence, please do not subscribe, stay sad. For the rest of us, let's laugh at ourselves, as well as others.
The contributions come from a variety of sources; some are 'home grown', some submitted by friends, and from now, some will be from YOU. If you wish to contribute a joke, amusing photograph, or cartoon, please submit it using this form.
Saturday, 29 March 2014
Les Dawson - My family and other animals
We were so poor our mouse left us and went to live with the church mice.
Friday, 28 March 2014
Did they really mean to write...
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
Thursday, 27 March 2014
Drink
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of
their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of
work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish
and worry about my liver.
~ Jack Handy
look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of
their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of
work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish
and worry about my liver.
~ Jack Handy
Wednesday, 26 March 2014
Dental appointment
A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction
"85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
"85 quid ! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper ?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
"Whit about if ye didn't use any anesthetic ?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and it would knock 15 pounds off".
"What aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any
anesthetic ?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price
could drop by 20 pounds."
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, have yer student do the
extraction with the other students watchin' and learning' ?"
"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you 5
pounds but it will be traumatic".
" It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for my
wife next Tuesday then ?"
"85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
"85 quid ! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper ?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
"Whit about if ye didn't use any anesthetic ?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and it would knock 15 pounds off".
"What aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any
anesthetic ?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price
could drop by 20 pounds."
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, have yer student do the
extraction with the other students watchin' and learning' ?"
"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you 5
pounds but it will be traumatic".
" It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for my
wife next Tuesday then ?"
Tuesday, 25 March 2014
Overheard on the tube
'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'
Monday, 24 March 2014
One liners
An Aussie and a Yank aid worker are helping out at the Japan nuclear
disaster. Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, " Queensland ."
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this bloody place!"
disaster. Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, " Queensland ."
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this bloody place!"
Sunday, 23 March 2014
Saturday, 22 March 2014
Nursery Rhyme
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
Friday, 21 March 2014
Not PC but...
Went out last night and got really pissed and wasted. I woke up next to a
fat chick who was snoring and farting. At least I got home OK!
fat chick who was snoring and farting. At least I got home OK!
Thursday, 20 March 2014
Marital Humour
They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true. As soon as I got a
wife, I lost my balance at the bank.
wife, I lost my balance at the bank.
Wednesday, 19 March 2014
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
Did they really mean to write...
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN'T WORK)
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN'T WORK)
Monday, 17 March 2014
Cornish Three Kick Rule
An English lawyer went duck hunting in Truro . He shot and dropped a
bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I
shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not
coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in
England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in Cornwall . We settle small disagreements like this
with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get
to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and
so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work
boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to
his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very
slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his
jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
When you're intelligent, you know which half.
bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I
shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not
coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in
England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in Cornwall . We settle small disagreements like this
with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get
to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and
so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work
boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to
his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very
slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his
jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
When you're intelligent, you know which half.
Sunday, 16 March 2014
Church Bulletin
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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