Never force children to pray

At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the family into prayer...

Dad: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor,
etc.
Little Boy : "Dear Lord" he started "Thank you for our visitors and their
children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they
won't come again.
Forgive our neighbour's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled
with her on her bed.
this coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on
my
daddy's blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's
room when daddy is at work. AMEN "

Mom and Dad did not have dinner that evening.....

Music

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot
of my bed. At first I was afraid... then I was petrified.

US Patrolman said...

"In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."  ( National Crime
Information Center )

Kulula Airline announcements

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything
left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
do not leave children or spouses."

How Boys Are Born

A little boy goes to his father and asks
'Daddy, how was I born?' The father
answers: 'Well son, I guess one day
you will need to find out anyway! Your
Mom and I first got together in a chat
room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date
via e-mail with your Mom and we met
at a cyber-café. We sneaked into a
secluded room, where your mother
agreed to a download from my hard
drive. As soon as I was ready to upload,
we discovered that neither one of us had
used a firewall, and since it was too late
to hit the delete button, nine months later
a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

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You got Male! ???

How the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place
expensive... So, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

Golf

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is
synonymous with the game of golf.
You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

Girlfriend

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

Great train journey

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to
other people,found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both
very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the
lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend
that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f***ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Did they really mean to write...

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Bumper stickers

Breakfast

At breakfast the girl said to me "do you want tea or coffee".
I said "can I have a black tea please"
She said "sure, do you want milk with that?"

Confucius say...

A kiss is just shopping upstairs
for downstairs merchandise.

Blondes

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun,
and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts
it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'