One liners

I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer,
dinner once since the first beating

Only in Ireland

Les Dawson - My family and other animals

We were so poor our mouse left us and went to live with the church mice.

Did they really mean to write...

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

Drink

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of
their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of
work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish
and worry about my liver.

~ Jack Handy

Dental appointment

A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction

"85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"85 quid ! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper ?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit about if ye didn't use any anesthetic ?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and it would knock 15 pounds off".

"What aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any
anesthetic ?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price
could drop by 20 pounds."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, have yer student do the
extraction with the other students watchin' and learning' ?"

"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you 5
pounds but it will be traumatic".

" It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for my
wife next Tuesday then ?"

Overheard on the tube

'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

One liners

An Aussie and a Yank aid worker are helping out at the Japan nuclear
disaster. Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, " Queensland ."
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this bloody place!"

Old Cartoons...

Nursery Rhyme

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

Not PC but...

Went out last night and got really pissed and wasted. I woke up next to a
fat chick who was snoring and farting. At least I got home OK!

Marital Humour

They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true. As soon as I got a
wife, I lost my balance at the bank.

Les Dawson - The facts of life

He said: 'Not bad, Dad. You got most of it right.'

Did they really mean to write...

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN'T WORK)

Cornish Three Kick Rule

An English lawyer went duck hunting in Truro . He shot and dropped a
bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I
shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not
coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in
England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in Cornwall . We settle small disagreements like this
with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get
to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and
so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work
boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to
his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very
slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his
jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."


The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
When you're intelligent, you know which half.

Church Bulletin

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Apologies in advance if this offends...

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to
Britain so that they can see their own doctor.

Aphorism

We have enough "youth"
How about a fountain of "smart"

Andy Rooney on Sex

When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....

I don't remember what I chose.

A politically incorrect look back at 2012

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,

Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collectors' Edition of two small jugs.

Brothel

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a
young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks
how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realise you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Remember

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large
trash can.

5 Minute management courses

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The
eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below
the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit
and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must
be sitting very, very high up.

Aphorism

You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.

Wish I'd Said That!

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

Italian proverb

Nursery Rhyme

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Only in Ireland

New Product

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed
a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity
music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00
depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because
women have always complained about men staring
at their breasts and not listening to them.

Remember

The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to
kiss his ring.

Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church..... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell
me the dog was Catholic?

Aphorism

It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.