I rear-ended a car this morning So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just
get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't
believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me,
and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
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Picture and Intro
The intention is to make you smile every day; if you get a good belly laugh; so much the better. Every day we will deliver a short(ish) joke or one amusing photograph or cartoon. There will be no endless lists of jokes or photographs... if you don't find it amusing... there's always tomorrow.Being totally 'politically correct' is impossible with humour (or in life for that matter), and we have no intention of being that boring. Whilst there is no intention to cause offence to anyone, with the wide choice of topics, it's possible that your nationality/religion/political inclination... will supply the punch line, or butt, of a joke. If you're likely to take offence, please do not subscribe, stay sad. For the rest of us, let's laugh at ourselves, as well as others.
The contributions come from a variety of sources; some are 'home grown', some submitted by friends, and from now, some will be from YOU. If you wish to contribute a joke, amusing photograph, or cartoon, please submit it using this form.
Tuesday, 31 December 2013
Monday, 30 December 2013
Golf
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his
ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2
trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced
back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good
golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?
ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2
trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced
back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good
golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?
Sunday, 29 December 2013
Did they really mean to write...
Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery
He probably IS the battery
Saturday, 28 December 2013
Drunk in Church
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues
to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knocking, there's no toilet paper on this
side either.
down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues
to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knocking, there's no toilet paper on this
side either.
Friday, 27 December 2013
How to save the airlines
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What
the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party
atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this
country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary , thus
saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge
the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips,
including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would
see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden
opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What
the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party
atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this
country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary , thus
saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge
the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips,
including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would
see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden
opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Thursday, 26 December 2013
Drinking
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink one litre of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than one kilo of E Coli bacteria found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming one kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila,
rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a
purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid
Than to drink water and be full of Shiite
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service
that if we drink one litre of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than one kilo of E Coli bacteria found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming one kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila,
rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a
purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid
Than to drink water and be full of Shiite
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service
Wednesday, 25 December 2013
81 years old...
An old fella was celebrating 81 years on this earth.
He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes.", he said. "How are you? You know,
you are 81 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked in
the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on
the dance floor?
Happy Birthday toes!"
"Hello, knees." he continued. "How are you? You know you're 81
today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the
parade?
Happy Birthday knees!"
Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees." Then,
he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just
think.
If you were alive today, you'd be 81.
He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes.", he said. "How are you? You know,
you are 81 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked in
the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on
the dance floor?
Happy Birthday toes!"
"Hello, knees." he continued. "How are you? You know you're 81
today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the
parade?
Happy Birthday knees!"
Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees." Then,
he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just
think.
If you were alive today, you'd be 81.
Tuesday, 24 December 2013
Monday, 23 December 2013
Sunday, 22 December 2013
Church Bulletin
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Saturday, 21 December 2013
Friday, 20 December 2013
Thursday, 19 December 2013
Addiction
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I
quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
Wednesday, 18 December 2013
Who says that guys aren't sensitive?
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall
was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up
and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had
been together all day. Because she was so worried, she called him on her
mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a calm voice, the husband said,
"Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about 5 years ago
where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford
and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and
started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewellery store." He said,
"Well, I'm in the bar right next to it ! "
was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up
and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had
been together all day. Because she was so worried, she called him on her
mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a calm voice, the husband said,
"Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about 5 years ago
where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford
and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and
started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewellery store." He said,
"Well, I'm in the bar right next to it ! "
Tuesday, 17 December 2013
Monday, 16 December 2013
The Rabbi's raise...
A Rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and
asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Rabbi's family
expanded, so would his paycheque.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
Rabbi's additional children were costing the synagogue, and how much more it
could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his chair and
spoke,
"Children are a gift from God and we will take as many gifts as He gives
us."
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the synagogue, little old
Mrs. Goldstein struggled to stand, and finally said
in her frail voice,
'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear
rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, AMEN.
asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Rabbi's family
expanded, so would his paycheque.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
Rabbi's additional children were costing the synagogue, and how much more it
could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his chair and
spoke,
"Children are a gift from God and we will take as many gifts as He gives
us."
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the synagogue, little old
Mrs. Goldstein struggled to stand, and finally said
in her frail voice,
'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear
rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, AMEN.
Sunday, 15 December 2013
Tommy Cooper
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
Saturday, 14 December 2013
Christmas party
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
you your favourite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son...
what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean?
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
'Leave me alone, I'm married!'
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
you your favourite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son...
what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean?
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
'Leave me alone, I'm married!'
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS
Friday, 13 December 2013
Wonderful quotes
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
- W. C. Fields
Thursday, 12 December 2013
US Patrolman said...
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
Wednesday, 11 December 2013
Tuesday, 10 December 2013
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