Rodney Dangerfield

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had
anything to play with.

Tax return

This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return.

The HMRC has returned the Tax Return to a man in Evesham after he apparently
answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependant on you?"

The man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4
million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85
prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European
Commission".

The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

The man's response back to HMRC was "Whom did I miss out?"

Switzerland

Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they
stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of
cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a
lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no
longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old
goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

Think BEFORE you speak

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several
minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at
the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him
and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

Thought

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play
chess?

Why Men Wear Earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an
earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow
and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him
to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

Wife Store

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Tommy Cooper

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything."

Viagra

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and
eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. "It's this
Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of
soup, home-made muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a
juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not
hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

Two Nuns

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the
Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the
room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.

In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

Who is a Psychiatrist?

A qualified person who gives you an expensive and critical analysis about
yourself, which your spouse gives for free, daily too!

Wish I'd Said That!

If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the
airport.

Jonathan Winters

My kind of Salesman.

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got
called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military
induction centre.
Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new
recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which
they were entitled.
The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up
rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was
remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for
the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing
at no charge.
The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing
and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said,
"If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets
youself killed, da govment' pays you benefishery $20,000.
If you takes out da suppmental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars
a munt, den da governmen' gots ta pay you benefishery $400,000!
"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta
Afghanistan first?

Paraprosdokians

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.