Manners

A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following
question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

'Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by
saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would
you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be
right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the
dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and
show us your good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I
have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to
introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

My father taught me

about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock
you into the middle of next week!"

Confucius did not say:

A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.

Marriage

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murray

My father taught me

IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

Overheard on the tube

'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on
any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only
fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

Court transcripts

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Husband Handbook

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'

He stormed in to his wife in the kitchen and announced,

"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my
word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm
finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After
dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind
of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can
relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, 'The f--kin' funeral director would be my first guess.'

Not PC but...

My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last
night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used
something though?" He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"

My mother taught me

TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."

Senior citizen centre

It was entertainment night at the senior citizen centre.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano,it was time for the
star of the show- Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his
waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch
high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six
generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting.
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently
swaying watch.
They were hypnotised. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"
"SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizen Centre and Claude was
never invited there again.

Actual complaints received by Thomas Cook from dissatisfied customers:

"My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were
placed in a room with a king bed.
We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I
became pregnant.
This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Lottery

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the
Lottery?"
 
"I'd take half and leave you"  she says.
 
"Great" he says. "Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch."

Keep it clean

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine
sermon. Damned good!' The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you
didn't use profanity.' The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that
sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!' The preacher
said, 'No shit?'