Insults + Put-downs

"I married beneath me. All women do"
Lady Astor

Bumper stickers

Insults + Put-downs

So boring, you fall asleep halfway through her name"
Alan Bennett on Arianna Stassinopoulos (now Huffington)"

Kulula Airline announcements

Heard on a Kulula flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this
aeroplane is on the wing If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

Bumper Stickers

Tommy Cooper

I bought a greyhound about a month ago,
A friend of mine said to me,
'what are you going to do with it?'
I said 'I'm going to race it'.
He said 'by the look of it, I think you'll beat it'

Tommy Cooper

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

How the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just
get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't
believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me,
and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

Golf

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his
ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2
trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced
back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good
golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?

Did they really mean to write...

Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery

Drunk in Church

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues
to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knocking, there's no toilet paper on this
side either.

How to save the airlines

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What
the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party
atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this
country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary , thus
saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge
the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips,
including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would
see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden
opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

Drinking

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink one litre of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than one kilo of E Coli bacteria found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming one kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila,
rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a
purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid
Than to drink water and be full of Shiite

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service

81 years old...

An old fella was celebrating 81 years on this earth.
 
He spoke to his toes. "Hello  toes.", he said. "How are you? You know,
you are 81 today. Oh the times we've had!  Remember how we walked in
the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The  times we waltzed on
the dance floor?
 
Happy Birthday toes!"
 
"Hello, knees." he continued. "How are you? You know you're 81
today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the
parade?
                                                                            
Happy Birthday knees!"
Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees." Then,
he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie!  You little bugger. Just
think.
 
If you were alive today, you'd be 81.