So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of
people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.
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Picture and Intro
The intention is to make you smile every day; if you get a good belly laugh; so much the better. Every day we will deliver a short(ish) joke or one amusing photograph or cartoon. There will be no endless lists of jokes or photographs... if you don't find it amusing... there's always tomorrow.Being totally 'politically correct' is impossible with humour (or in life for that matter), and we have no intention of being that boring. Whilst there is no intention to cause offence to anyone, with the wide choice of topics, it's possible that your nationality/religion/political inclination... will supply the punch line, or butt, of a joke. If you're likely to take offence, please do not subscribe, stay sad. For the rest of us, let's laugh at ourselves, as well as others.
The contributions come from a variety of sources; some are 'home grown', some submitted by friends, and from now, some will be from YOU. If you wish to contribute a joke, amusing photograph, or cartoon, please submit it using this form.
Tuesday, 24 December 2013
Monday, 23 December 2013
Sunday, 22 December 2013
Church Bulletin
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Saturday, 21 December 2013
Friday, 20 December 2013
Thursday, 19 December 2013
Addiction
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I
quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
Wednesday, 18 December 2013
Who says that guys aren't sensitive?
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall
was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up
and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had
been together all day. Because she was so worried, she called him on her
mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a calm voice, the husband said,
"Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about 5 years ago
where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford
and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and
started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewellery store." He said,
"Well, I'm in the bar right next to it ! "
was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up
and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had
been together all day. Because she was so worried, she called him on her
mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a calm voice, the husband said,
"Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about 5 years ago
where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford
and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and
started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewellery store." He said,
"Well, I'm in the bar right next to it ! "
Tuesday, 17 December 2013
Monday, 16 December 2013
The Rabbi's raise...
A Rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and
asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Rabbi's family
expanded, so would his paycheque.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
Rabbi's additional children were costing the synagogue, and how much more it
could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his chair and
spoke,
"Children are a gift from God and we will take as many gifts as He gives
us."
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the synagogue, little old
Mrs. Goldstein struggled to stand, and finally said
in her frail voice,
'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear
rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, AMEN.
asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Rabbi's family
expanded, so would his paycheque.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
Rabbi's additional children were costing the synagogue, and how much more it
could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his chair and
spoke,
"Children are a gift from God and we will take as many gifts as He gives
us."
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the synagogue, little old
Mrs. Goldstein struggled to stand, and finally said
in her frail voice,
'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear
rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, AMEN.
Sunday, 15 December 2013
Tommy Cooper
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
Saturday, 14 December 2013
Christmas party
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
you your favourite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son...
what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean?
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
'Leave me alone, I'm married!'
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
you your favourite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son...
what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean?
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
'Leave me alone, I'm married!'
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS
Friday, 13 December 2013
Wonderful quotes
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
- W. C. Fields
Thursday, 12 December 2013
US Patrolman said...
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
Wednesday, 11 December 2013
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