When children put their spin on sayings...

When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.

Quotes on Government

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin.
Mark Twain

US Patrolman said...

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or
I'll give you another ticket."

Tommy Cooper

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.....

Quotes on Government

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to
take everything you have.

Thomas Jefferson

Paddy and Mick

Paddy says to Mick, "I ' m ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to
do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2
years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca
and Mary got pregnant.

Mick asks, "So what are you going to do this year?"

Paddy replies, "I'll take her with me!"

Les Dawson - My family and other animals

My mother wanted me to be brought up at Eton. My father said: 'He looks as
if he's been eaten and brought up.'

Kulula Airline announcements

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

Insults + Put-downs

"What problems do you have, apart from being blind, unemployed and a moron?"

John McEnroe to a Wimbledon spectator

Tommy Cooper

"I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day,
he told me he had taken a job as a postman.
He said it was better than walking the streets."

Smart ass answers...

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of
him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of
gas.'

Quotes on Government

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics
won't take an interest in you!
Pericles (430 B.C.)

Paddy and Mick

Mick walks into Paddy ' s barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a
tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and
Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist
recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

Old Classmates

My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first
appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I
remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in
my high school class some 40-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to
have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan park high
school.

'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.

When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'

You were in my class!' I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, grey-haired,
decrepit, son-of-a-bitch asked,

What did you teach?