Will I Live to see 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive
Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I will soon turn
Sixty Five).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you
think I'll live to be 80?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...
She looked at me and said,..
'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

Who Failed Med School Exam

Now I finally know how people in North America got into politics!

hen I was young my intent was to go to medical school. The
entrance exam included several questions that would determine
eligibility.

One of the questions was: "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to
spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when
erect."

Those who spelled "SPINE" became Doctors...

The rest ended up in Washington or Ottawa

Tommy Cooper

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in
here."

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and
take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS, 'SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.'"
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the
photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS! "
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out,
"BOTH OF US????"

Winter

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were
listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We
are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week or so later, while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must
park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can
get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

A few days later, they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."
Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a
worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of
the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding that all long-married husbands possess,
he replied, "Why don't you just leave the f**king car in the garage this
time?"

Marital Humour

A man asked a fairy to make him irresistible and desirable to all women, and
she turned him into a credit card

Walk the walk

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you
and cussing a blue streak at him.
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life'
license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and
the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally... I
assumed you had stolen the car."

Togetherness-Scottish style

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the father says.
"We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Leeds and tell her."

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell
they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're
coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

Wish I'd Said That!

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part
of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

John Glenn

Offensive humour...

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast
shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with
her mouth shut.

Remember

My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Not PC but...

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going
to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough.once she killed herself I
started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "F*ck it".soldier on.

Question/Answer

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Politically Incorrect

8 immigrants were suffocated in the back of
a Tesco lorry last night. Every little helps.

Paraprosdokians

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

My mother taught me

FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case
you're in an accident."

Offensive humour...

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches
tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

Paraprosdokians

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency,
Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

One liners

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a "roger". It was
only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to
rent her spare room out!

Never lose your grandson

My small grandson got lost in a shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed security guard and said:
"I've lost my grandpa"
The guard asked:
"What's his name?"
"Grandpa"
The guard smiled , then asked "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied:
"Glenfiddich whisky and women with big tits".

Not PC but...

Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged
millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tragedy of
Hurricane Higgins.

My mother taught me

HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

No Beer, Fishing, or Golf

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man
who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer
with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?"
the man asked.

"Are you nuts?" replied the homeless man.
"I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay.
It's important for her to see what a man looks like
after he has given up beer, fishing, and golf."

Prayer for Grandpa

Dear God, please send clothes
for all those poor ladies on
grandpa's computer . Amen.

Remember

A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'

Paraprosdokians

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Offensive humour...

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could
look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself .......
I'm going to have that.

Overheard on the tube

'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into
the doors.'

One liners

The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent
out to help with the nuclear disaster. They said they were delicious!

Not PC but...

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I
should have taken them off.

The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss
the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her,
and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not,
go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response...'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the
den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and
repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife
and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for
dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

'For God's sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'