Think BEFORE you speak

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict
snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!

Wish I'd Said That!

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but
I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The Blonde and the Milkman

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.  He thought
she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking
me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons.  I'm going to fill my bathtub up
with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurised?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes!"


... in memory of Benny Hill

Wise decision

An old Woman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get
Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson's - Better to spill half my
wine than to forget where I keep the bottle."

Tommy Cooper

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"

Thought

My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

Golf

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the
dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in
my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I
don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth,
and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in
town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic
to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave
man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the
pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him .

Marriage

The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a
woman want?"

Dumas

Confucius did not say:

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Court transcripts

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising
law.

Did they really mean to write...

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Drink

Scotch is a brilliant invention..........
One double and you start feeling single again

Geography of Women

After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

My mother taught me

ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know
when you are cold?"

Holy humour

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls,
what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

Marriage

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep
her.

King David

Manners

A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following
question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

'Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by
saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would
you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be
right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the
dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and
show us your good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I
have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to
introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

My father taught me

about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock
you into the middle of next week!"

Confucius did not say:

A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.

Marriage

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murray

My father taught me

IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

Overheard on the tube

'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on
any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only
fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

Court transcripts

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Husband Handbook

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'

He stormed in to his wife in the kitchen and announced,

"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my
word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm
finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After
dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind
of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can
relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, 'The f--kin' funeral director would be my first guess.'

Not PC but...

My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last
night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used
something though?" He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"

My mother taught me

TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."

Senior citizen centre

It was entertainment night at the senior citizen centre.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano,it was time for the
star of the show- Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his
waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch
high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six
generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting.
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently
swaying watch.
They were hypnotised. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"
"SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizen Centre and Claude was
never invited there again.

Actual complaints received by Thomas Cook from dissatisfied customers:

"My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were
placed in a room with a king bed.
We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I
became pregnant.
This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Lottery

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the
Lottery?"
 
"I'd take half and leave you"  she says.
 
"Great" he says. "Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch."

Keep it clean

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine
sermon. Damned good!' The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you
didn't use profanity.' The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that
sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!' The preacher
said, 'No shit?'