Wish I'd Said That!

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and
he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

Timothy Jones

Nursery Rhyme

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Dementia explained

Insults + Put-downs

"The only time he opens his mouth is to change feet"

Irish golfer David Feherty on Nick Faldo

Les Dawson - My wife

I said to my wife: 'Treasure.' I always call her Treasure — she reminds
me of something that's just been dug up.

Little know fact...

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great
but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece ..

In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on
drink containing saltpetre before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of
naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "OH!!
Limp pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into " Olympics".

Old Man And The Beaver

An 86-year-old MAN went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The Doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said,
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old
bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that
Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a
story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and
never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he
accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he
neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the
water's edge.

He realised he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the
magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were
his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now,
what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped
a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Politically Incorrect

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new
drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagain.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

Sign

Bumper Stickers

Tommy Cooper

For the scientifically minded.
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Insults + Put-downs

"Being a woman is a terribly difficult business, as it consists principally
of dealing with men"

Joseph Conrad

Did they really mean to write...

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?

Confucius say...

Man with a broken condom
is called a Daddy

Church Bulletin

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Bumper Stickers

Blondes

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They
send me a BLIND policeman.'

Les Dawson - Wedding Bells

I went to a wedding last week. The wife's eldest sister was marrying a
fellow who told us he was in the oil business. I found out after that he was
a sardine packer.

Wonderful quotes

We could certainly slow the ageing process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.

- Will Rogers

US Patrolman said...

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't... Sign here."

Tommy Cooper

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

Puns

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3
hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself,
they've lost the plot!

Fact

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Drunk

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He
gets up, staggers to the table, leans over,looks the biggest, meanest, biker
in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway
buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk
leans on the table again and says:

'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says
nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,

'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks
him square in the eyes and says....................

'Grandpa;.......... Go home! "

Did they really mean to write...

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Fuel outage

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a
bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the
man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas
tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man
exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered:

BP

How the fight started...

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy
with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat
and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started......