Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.
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The intention is to make you smile every day; if you get a good belly laugh; so much the better. Every day we will deliver a short(ish) joke or one amusing photograph or cartoon. There will be no endless lists of jokes or photographs... if you don't find it amusing... there's always tomorrow.Being totally 'politically correct' is impossible with humour (or in life for that matter), and we have no intention of being that boring. Whilst there is no intention to cause offence to anyone, with the wide choice of topics, it's possible that your nationality/religion/political inclination... will supply the punch line, or butt, of a joke. If you're likely to take offence, please do not subscribe, stay sad. For the rest of us, let's laugh at ourselves, as well as others.
The contributions come from a variety of sources; some are 'home grown', some submitted by friends, and from now, some will be from YOU. If you wish to contribute a joke, amusing photograph, or cartoon, please submit it using this form.
Monday, 30 September 2013
Sunday, 29 September 2013
Quotes on Government
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
Saturday, 28 September 2013
Smart ass answers...
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider
a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and
sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand.'
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider
a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and
sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand.'
Friday, 27 September 2013
US Patrolman said...
"I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
Thursday, 26 September 2013
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
Wonderful quotes
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
- Billy Crystal
Tuesday, 24 September 2013
Les Dawson - My wife
My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back,
said they weren't that lonely.
said they weren't that lonely.
Monday, 23 September 2013
How the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'
And then the fight started...
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'
And then the fight started...
Sunday, 22 September 2013
The Rabbi's leaving...
At a Saturdayservice, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave
for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a
hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so
popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in the area, stands up and
proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac
every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the
rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a
foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 78, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi
stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy
lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Estelle's 80-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side,
while his wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "F*** him"
for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a
hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so
popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in the area, stands up and
proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac
every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the
rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a
foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 78, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi
stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy
lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Estelle's 80-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side,
while his wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "F*** him"
Saturday, 21 September 2013
The Scottish Brothel
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified,
well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies.Perhaps you would prefer
someone else", said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to
Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was
too expensive.
"There are no discounts The price is still £5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but
he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."
"I know." the man said "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer She asked me
to give you your £15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies.Perhaps you would prefer
someone else", said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to
Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was
too expensive.
"There are no discounts The price is still £5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but
he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."
"I know." the man said "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer She asked me
to give you your £15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Friday, 20 September 2013
Paddy and Mick
Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick, "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy, "We 'll lie and say we only found two!"
Mick, "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy, "We 'll lie and say we only found two!"
Thursday, 19 September 2013
Insults + Put-downs
"Sir, you are drunk.""Indeed, madam, and you are ugly. But I shall be sober
in the morning"
Winston Churchill to Bessie Braddock
in the morning"
Winston Churchill to Bessie Braddock
Wednesday, 18 September 2013
Tuesday, 17 September 2013
Golf
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar the
groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day,
is it?"
groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day,
is it?"
Monday, 16 September 2013
Sunday, 15 September 2013
Edinburgh Festival 2013 10 Best #10
Chris Coltrane -
"The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you
basically get it back immediately."
"The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you
basically get it back immediately."
Saturday, 14 September 2013
Edinburgh Festival 2013 10 Worst #9
Romesh Ranganathan -
"I'm married with kids. I don't need to look good, I just need to look
better than the prospect of single parentdom."
"I'm married with kids. I don't need to look good, I just need to look
better than the prospect of single parentdom."
Friday, 13 September 2013
Edinburgh Festival 2013 10 Best #9
Bobby Mair -
"I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very
difficult to enjoy any lap dance."
"I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very
difficult to enjoy any lap dance."
Thursday, 12 September 2013
Edinburgh Festival 2013 10 Worst #8
Alex Horne -
"I want to talk about something that's close to my heart. My lungs."
"I want to talk about something that's close to my heart. My lungs."
Wednesday, 11 September 2013
Tuesday, 10 September 2013
Edinburgh Festival 2013 10 Worst #7
Pajama Men (Shenoah Allen and Mark Chavez) -
"I'm a head gardener. Whatever I say grows."
"I'm a head gardener. Whatever I say grows."
Monday, 9 September 2013
Edinburgh Festival 2013 10 Best #7
Marcus Brigstocke -
"You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."
"You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."
Sunday, 8 September 2013
Edinburgh Festival 2013 10 Worst #6
Pat Cahill -
"90 per cent of baking injuries are stress-related. There are people up and
down the country having mental bake-downs."
"90 per cent of baking injuries are stress-related. There are people up and
down the country having mental bake-downs."
Saturday, 7 September 2013
Edinburgh Festival 2013 10 Best #6
Phil Wang -
"The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being
replaced by white men."
"The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being
replaced by white men."
Friday, 6 September 2013
Edinburgh Festival 2013 10 Worst #5
Nikhil Tiwali -
"What do you call a pink flower that comes back from the dead? A
re-in-carnation."
"What do you call a pink flower that comes back from the dead? A
re-in-carnation."
Thursday, 5 September 2013
Edinburgh Festival 2013 10 Best #5
Gary Delaney -
"I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
"I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
Wednesday, 4 September 2013
Edinburgh Festival 2013 10 Best #4
Tim Vine -
"My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island.
I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
"My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island.
I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
Tuesday, 3 September 2013
Edinburgh Festival 2013 10 Worst #4
Ben Van Der Velde -
"Swastika in Geordie means something that used to be a sticker."
"Swastika in Geordie means something that used to be a sticker."
Monday, 2 September 2013
Sunday, 1 September 2013
Edinburgh Festival 2013 10 Best #3
Alfie Moore -
"I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."
"I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."
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