Blondes

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the pavement and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

Allotment

I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil.
The plot thickens!!!

Discrimination

Did they really mean to write...

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Church Bulletin

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Nostalgia for the 1950s

Wonderful quotes

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint

Mark Twain

British Humour

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

When children put their spin on sayings...

Two's company, three's the Musketeers.

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything!"

The Jew says to the Arab, "I am going to show you there is nobody better than a Jew." He goes to the owner and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.''

Intrigued, the owner accepts and give him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and ask for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for another one and swallows it just the same.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and says, "What did you do with the pastry? Are you trying to fool me?"

The Jew answers, "Look in the Arab's pocket."

Tommy Cooper

When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent.
I couldn't find any pitch, so I used creosote.

The Gun Slinger

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
"Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said,
"No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody standing around was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but...but I've always wanted to."


There are a few lessons for all of us here:

*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control.
*And finally, don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid.

Les Dawson - One-liners

I wouldn't say my wife's ugly, but the milkman flirts with me.

Mary Clancy

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'

Male or female ?

FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right
through them.

Real airline 'gripe sheet'...

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

When children put their spin on sayings...

Better late than pregnant.

The three bears

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my
porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my
porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with
you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who
woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It
was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch
The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter
tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs
and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully,
because I'm only going to say this once....


'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!'

Wonderful quotes

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Women Drivers

Tommy Cooper

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

When women fail to supervise men...

Worried your pension will run out?

You're a Senior Citizen and suddenly you fall ill. After months of waiting, the Government says there is no nursing home available for you, or you can pay thousands of pounds for Private Care - what do you do?
Enrol today for Senior Health Care Solution.
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and four bullets.
You are allowed to shoot two MPs of your choice and two illegal immigrants! Of course, this means you will be sent to prison. However, once there you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, television with no license fee, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!
New teeth? - No problem. Need glasses, New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart?
All Covered!
Your kids can still come and visit you as often as they do now.
But, I hear you ask, who will be paying for all of this? Well the answer is simple:
It's the same Government that told you they cannot afford for you to go into a Nursing Home. In addition, because you are a prisoner, you do not have to pay income tax any more!

Modern Technology

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

Wonderful quotes

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

- Alex Levine

When children put their spin on sayings...

Where there's smoke there's pollution.

Tommy Cooper

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

Women Drivers

Women Drivers

Hey... you didn't really believe yesterday's post... on April Fools day... surely not.

And it's good-bye from me and it's good-bye from him

Unfortunately, this will be the last post on this Blog.
Thank you all for all your support.