I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad.
Lou Sanders
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Picture and Intro
The intention is to make you smile every day; if you get a good belly laugh; so much the better. Every day we will deliver a short(ish) joke or one amusing photograph or cartoon. There will be no endless lists of jokes or photographs... if you don't find it amusing... there's always tomorrow.Being totally 'politically correct' is impossible with humour (or in life for that matter), and we have no intention of being that boring. Whilst there is no intention to cause offence to anyone, with the wide choice of topics, it's possible that your nationality/religion/political inclination... will supply the punch line, or butt, of a joke. If you're likely to take offence, please do not subscribe, stay sad. For the rest of us, let's laugh at ourselves, as well as others.
The contributions come from a variety of sources; some are 'home grown', some submitted by friends, and from now, some will be from YOU. If you wish to contribute a joke, amusing photograph, or cartoon, please submit it using this form.
Sunday, 30 September 2012
Saturday, 29 September 2012
Insults + Put-downs
"I don't think heading the ball has got anything to do with it. Footballers are stupid enough anyway".
A Football Association spokesman refuting a claim that heading the ball could cause brain damage.
A Football Association spokesman refuting a claim that heading the ball could cause brain damage.
Friday, 28 September 2012
Thursday, 27 September 2012
Wednesday, 26 September 2012
Tuesday, 25 September 2012
Edinburgh Fringe 2012
Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating.
George Ryegold
George Ryegold
Monday, 24 September 2012
Sunday, 23 September 2012
Saturday, 22 September 2012
Friday, 21 September 2012
They walk among us...
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
Thursday, 20 September 2012
Edinburgh Fringe 2012
I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y.
Chris Turner
Chris Turner
Wednesday, 19 September 2012
Tuesday, 18 September 2012
Monday, 17 September 2012
Sunday, 16 September 2012
Saturday, 15 September 2012
Edinburgh Fringe 2012
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.
Tim Vine -
Tim Vine -
Friday, 14 September 2012
Thursday, 13 September 2012
Edinburgh Fringe 2012
You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
Rob Beckett
Rob Beckett
Wednesday, 12 September 2012
Tuesday, 11 September 2012
They walk among us...
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even
though he new that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving
even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as
he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he
rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat
belt.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even
though he new that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving
even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as
he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he
rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat
belt.
Monday, 10 September 2012
The Holy Email
The other day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the wicked
behaviour going on. He sent one of his angels to earth to look into it.
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on earth; 85% are
misbehaving and only 15% are being good."
God was not pleased so he decided to e-mail the 15% that were good, because
he wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help keep
them going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
NO?
Okay, I was just wondering because I didn't get one either.
behaviour going on. He sent one of his angels to earth to look into it.
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on earth; 85% are
misbehaving and only 15% are being good."
God was not pleased so he decided to e-mail the 15% that were good, because
he wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help keep
them going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
NO?
Okay, I was just wondering because I didn't get one either.
Sunday, 9 September 2012
Saturday, 8 September 2012
Relationships
A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
Friday, 7 September 2012
Real airline 'gripe sheet'...
Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Support: DME volume set to more believable level.
Support: DME volume set to more believable level.
Thursday, 6 September 2012
Wednesday, 5 September 2012
On being sensitive...
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and
Donnie.
As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed
instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone
should go and tell his wife.
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave
you beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to
her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
Donnie.
As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed
instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone
should go and tell his wife.
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave
you beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to
her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
Tuesday, 4 September 2012
Monday, 3 September 2012
Insults + Put-downs
"[You are a] knave; a rascal; an eater of broken meats; a base, proud,
shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking
knave; a lily-livered, action-taking knave, a whoreson, glass-gazing,
super-serviceable finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that
wouldst be a bawd, in way of good service, and art nothing but the
composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pandar, and the son and heir of a
mongrel bitch"
Kent in 'King Lear'
shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking
knave; a lily-livered, action-taking knave, a whoreson, glass-gazing,
super-serviceable finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that
wouldst be a bawd, in way of good service, and art nothing but the
composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pandar, and the son and heir of a
mongrel bitch"
Kent in 'King Lear'
Sunday, 2 September 2012
Man's first Mistake
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a
twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this,
I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again
On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the
forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog
gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark
at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a
twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this,
I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again
On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the
forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog
gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark
at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Saturday, 1 September 2012
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