Plane crash

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate
their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the
Captain announces,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines
have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily,
I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the
beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to
live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the
island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,"Esther, did we pay our $50.00
Public Broadcast Station pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our
American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and
MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away
and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

Tommy Cooper

I went to the doctor the other day,

I said 'it hurts when I do that'

he said ' well don't do it'

When children put their spin on sayings...

Strike while the bug is close.

Insults + Put-downs

"It is a typical triumph of modern science to find the only bit of Randolph
which is not malignant, and remove it"

Evelyn Waugh, upon hearing that Randolph Churchill had been operated on for
a benign tumour

Golf

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still
rolling.

Mark Twain

Putting vehicles to full use

Church Bulletin

The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

Five rules to remember in life

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a
Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when
> they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Tommy Cooper

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.

I had the car out in thirty seconds.

When children put their spin on sayings...

Don't change horses

until they stop running.

Insults + Put-downs

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends"

Oscar Wilde

Golf

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.

Pete Dye

Putting vehicles to full use

Locked out

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically, it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis." 

Blonde in bar

9:58 PM.

Bob sat down next to a blonde at the bar, and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.

The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob  and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.  "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

Tommy Cooper

We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it?

The Stewardess gave me chewing gum.

I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.

Pensioners travelling

A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.

'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.

'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me. Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?'

Insults + Put-downs

“His smile is like the silver fittings on a coffin”

Benjamin Disraeli on Robert Peel

Golf

Wife says:

When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.

Putting vehicles to full use

An Italian Mamma

Mrs. Ravioli comes to  visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female  roommate,  Maria.
             
During the  course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how  pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of  the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to  wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than  met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony  volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure  you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week  later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother  came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar  bowl. You don't suppose she  took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email  her, just to be  sure." So he sat down and wrote  an  email:
              
Dear Mamma, 

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from  my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take  it. But the fact remains  that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. 

Your Loving  Son

Anthony
            
Several days later,  Anthony received a response email from his Mamma which  read:

Dear son,

I'm  not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying  that you "do not" sleep with  her. But the fact remains  that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found  the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving  Mamma
              

Moral:

Never Bulla Shitta your  Mamma

Osama Bin Laden

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound and didn't leave the house for 5 years.

It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.

Tommy Cooper

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:

'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.

I said: 'What for, Officer?'

He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

Girls say...

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

I said to him .... They don't have time. 

Insults + Put-downs

“Tell him I can only deal with one sh-- at a time”

Winston Churchill on being disturbed in his toilet by a call from the Lord Privy Seal

Golf

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.

Raymond Floyd

Putting vehicles to full use

Music in the cemetery

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and suddenly he hears some music.

No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads? Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827".

Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.

This time it is the Seventh Symphony, and like the previous piece, it is also being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd have gathered around the grave.

They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has any explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says incredulously.

"He's decomposing."

Computer Upgrade

Tommy Cooper

I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says:

'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'.

I said 'What For?'

He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.