Relationships

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife
until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

Tommy Cooper

I was in Margate last year for the summer season.

A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism."

So I did, and I got it....

Understanding engineers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,

"What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free any time they want!."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why don't they play at night?"

Statistic

This is a frightening statistic:,

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated!

Male or female ?

HAMMERS:

Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

Wonderful quotes

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

Victor Borge

Tommy Cooper

I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'with all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep''
he said ' Try lying on the edge of your bed, you'll soon drop off'

Tommy Cooper

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas!
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......

Thoughts to ponder...

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

Relationships

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Nostalgia for the 1950s

Proof that the world is nuts...

Starfish don't have brains

(I know some people like that, too.)

Peter Cook

"I've always wanted to be an expert on tadpoles. It's a wonderful life if you become an experty tadpoleous, as they are known in the trade."

Kulula Airline announcements

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced,

"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

Insults + Put-downs

"Curse the blasted, jelly-boned swines, the slimy, belly-wriggling invertebrates, the miserable, sodding rotters, the flaming sods, the snivelling, dribbling, dithering, palsied, pulse-less lot that make up England today. God, how I hate them"

DH Lawrence after having his manuscript of 'Sons and Lovers' rejected

Doormats

Les Dawson - His own worst critic

I was in a play on the TV once, it was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering: what's on the other channels?

Fridge

I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said

'I want to be a movie star.'

Tall, handsome and experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, 'What's your name?'

The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will
not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling
you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent
you.'

'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he
left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER...

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a
letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly
send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to
make it with my God given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never
make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your
office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to
change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed
with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so
the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke'

Thoughts to ponder...

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Thoughts to ponder...

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday ... laying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Male or female ?

SPONGES:

These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

Church Bulletin

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

Four Worms and a lesson to be learned

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following
results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service

Kulula Airline announcements

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our aeroplane to the gate!"

Insults + Put-downs

A face to launch a thousand dredgers

Jack de Manio on Glenda Jackson

Les Dawson - My family and other animals

My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.

Pedophile

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 23 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

Bumper stickers

Spider

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Church Bulletin

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Nostalgia for the 1950s

Labrador

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Really, ." says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Les Dawson - My family and other animals

My father was a keen trades unionist. He insisted on a tea break on his wedding night.

Thoughts to ponder...

In the 1960's, people took acid to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it look normal.

Observations...

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, 'Do
you have Viagra?' 'Yes,' he answered.

She asked, 'Does it work?' 'Yes,' he answered.

'Can you get it over the counter?' she asked. 'I can if I take two,' he
answered.

When women fail to supervise men...

Tommy Cooper

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

Proof that the world is nuts...

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

Real airline 'gripe sheet'...

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Nostalgia for the 1950s

Doormats

Ouch

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...

Understanding engineers

An engineer was passing a pond one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's something."

Irish divers

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

A Man's Life in 3 Pictures

Les Dawson - His own worst critic

I'm so far behind with the mortgage repayments that the arrears are written in Latin.

New Apple Product

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod, after realising that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

They walk among us...

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

Women Drivers

Relationships

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another -

'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'

'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

Nostalgia for the 1950s

Real airline 'gripe sheet'...

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Proof that the world is nuts...

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

Peter Cook

I am blind, but I am able to read thanks to a wonderful new system known as broil. I'm sorry, I'll just feel that again.

When children put their spin on sayings...

Happy the bride who gets all the presents.

Nostalgia for the 1950s

Tommy Cooper

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?',
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.
' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?
' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

Thoughts to ponder...

Life is sexually transmitted.

Nostalgia for the 1950s