Over 60....

I was talking to a  girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds,had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd
look all right."
I said, "If I did that,  I'd be talking to your friends over there instead
of you."

Old age

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,
watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

On day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe
he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so,
Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam
didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened
to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one
day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,
'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I
was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.

Only in Ireland

Nursery Rhyme

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

Password

A wife helps her man install a new computer.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a a word that he'll always
remember as his password. 

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho
gesture and a wink of his eye, 
he selects a word.
He is annoyed with her reaction, when he selects: mypenis

As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife 
collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria
 
The computer system had replied:
 
TOO SHORT - ACCESS DENIED!

Old Chinese Proverb

An elderly woman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get
Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinsons - better to spill half
my wine than to forget where I put the bottle."

Marital Humour

Jimmy's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
'Jimmy seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time
thinking about girls.'
The mother wrote back the next day:
'If you find a solution, please advise.
I have the same problem with his father!'

Paraprosdokians

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Politically Incorrect

Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway. Policeman says
"Do you know the limit is 70?"
The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that - 3 of you have got
to get out!"

Overheard on the tube

'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me,
so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like
that'

One liners

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .
They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement. It
was a mortar attack.

Offensive humour...

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a
farmer in the fields and shouts down to him "Where am I ?" The Irish
farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You can't fool me, you're in that
basket up there."

Nursery Rhyme

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Not PC but...

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next dump could
spell disaster.