Proof that the world is nuts...

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

Thoughts to ponder...

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

Tommy Cooper

I've always been unlucky.
I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

Tommy Cooper

I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'.
He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'.
'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'.
He said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?'

Women Drivers

Relationships

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her
keep him.

The Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!


'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be
cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening
his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

Real airline 'gripe sheet'...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

Paddy Murphy

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and
bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have
had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'
he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have
something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it
was; but useless in a fight.'

Proof that the world is nuts...

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with
a brick or piece of wood at all times.

Male or female ?

The Remote Control:

Female. Ha! You probably thought it would-be male, but consider this: It
easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't
always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

Les Dawson - My mother in law

Last August, she stood on the cliffs at Southend in a bikini and all you
could see was illegal immigrants diving in screaming and swimming for home.

Kulula Airline announcements

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

Insults + Put-downs

That's not writing, it's typing"
Truman Capote on Jack Kerouac