Sign in a shop window

'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND.

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. After all, it is ONLY A SIGN.

You may say:

'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'  

Answer:

An undertaker

Canadian Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Saskatchewan prairies without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the  ground
several yards ahead of him.

 He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what
looks to be an old briefcase.

 He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

 She is wearing a Revenue Canada ID badge  and a dull grey dress.

 There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked  behind  one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I  work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a Revenue Canada genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks  like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

'OK!, I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and  drink.'

  ***POOF***

  The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

  'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

  'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

  ** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

  ***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the Canadian government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

The world according to Americans

Generous Scotsman

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night...

"Did you smell that food?" she asked...  "Incredible!"

Being the 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought,

"What the heck, I'll treat her!"

... so they walked past it again.

Afghan desert

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said,

"Your f*cking brother won't let me in without a tie!"

How many times did he get stopped ?

Walk With Me As I Get Older

 I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me - then my telling it will be worth the effort. Walk with me by the water - worth the read...

A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER:

S***  !! -  I forgot the words....

Blonde Goes to School

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy”, she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

"Yes, it’s because you’re blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it’s because you’re blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm Blonde, Mommy?"

"No Honey, It’s because you're 24."

Loyal Wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died . . .
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait, just a minute!'

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'

'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?'

'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

Moral of the story: Women are cleverer than Men.....

Nature's way of wishing you a great day...

Grim Reaper

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, but I managed to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Blimey, talk about Dyson with death.

Wedding Invitation from a Jewish Mother

Making a baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'  

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'  

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'  

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?'  

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !'
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'  

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'  

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'  

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.  

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'  

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs Smith fainted

The Cemetery

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London!"