Politically Incorrect

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

Players

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole
heads of lettuce.
The man persists, and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask
his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some a**hole
wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he
turned to & find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And
this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on
their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Canada , sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores, and hockey players up
there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'

'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

Paraprosdokians

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.

Overheard on the tube

'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I
know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

Over 60....

This a**hole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said,
"Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

One liners

Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk".
Husband says "that's not true .. sometimes I want a kebab"

Offensive humour...

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said "sorry
about the wait." I said "don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually."

Thought

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Think BEFORE you speak

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked
if we needed any help. I replied, ' No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Stay

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and
rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had
fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon
her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward,pointing
my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay! Do you
hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange
look and asked,

"Why don't you just put the hand brake on?"

Rodney Dangerfield

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Remember

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.

Paraprosdokians

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

Overheard on the tube

'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please
hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'