Les Dawson - My mother in law

She's got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. But she's got the things most
men desire . . . muscles and a moustache.

Insults + Put-downs

"Women should be obscene and not heard"

Groucho Marx

Irish Jokes

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

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knows everything.

Senior prenup

An older couple reaching their 70s are about to get married, but before they
say their vows, the woman wanted to talk.
 
She said:  "I want to keep my house."
 
He said:  "That's fine with me."
 
She said:  "I want to keep my Cadillac."
 
He said:  "That's fine with me."
 
She said:  "And I want to have sex 6 times a week."
 
He said:  "Put me down for Fridays."
 
 
 
 
 
 
  
 

Confucius did not say:

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Alligator shoes

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the young blonde declared,'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out
and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' 

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 
'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?' 

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. 
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young
woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. 
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning
reflexes, 

the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery
bank. 
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched
in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator

Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration ... 
"Sonofabitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

Les Dawson - My wife

When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She
said: 'You'd be at home, there's a stye in one of them.'

Kulula Airline announcements

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on
with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we
will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal

Drink

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and knickers.

Tommy Cooper

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

The wonderful Brian

A man walked out into the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got
into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like
Brian!"
 
Passenger: "Who?"
 
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. A
bit like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to
Brian Sullivan, every single time."
 
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
 
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pro's. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star...... and you should have
heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
 
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
 
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and even
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a
fuse, and the whole street blacks out But Brian Sullivan, he could do
everything right."
 
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
 
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong ...... and
his clothing was always immaculate - shoes highly polished too. He was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian
Sullivan!"
 
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
 
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his
f****ing' widow."

Confucius did not say:

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

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