Quick learner

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission
in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realises
that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says
to the chief, 'This is a tree.'
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he
points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a
rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilised and be kind to each other, so how
could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, 'My bike.'

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Thought

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

Smart kids

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the
teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically
impossible.
The little girl said,
'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked,
'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied,
'Then you ask him'.

Tommy Cooper

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Rodney Dangerfield

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

Remember

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression
that he just cleaned the whole house.

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Survey

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live
longer than the men who mention it.

Andy Rooney on Sex

Virginity can be cured.

Aphorism

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Surgery Lawsuit

A recent article in the Wellington Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard,
the local head of the ACLU, has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after
her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman responded:

"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his
eyesight."

A politically incorrect look back at 2012

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they
tested positive for WD40.

Life Cycle of a Man's Love Life

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time, and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.  So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.