Aphorism

We have enough "youth"
How about a fountain of "smart"

Andy Rooney on Sex

When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....

I don't remember what I chose.

A politically incorrect look back at 2012

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,

Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collectors' Edition of two small jugs.

Brothel

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a
young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks
how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realise you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Remember

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large
trash can.

5 Minute management courses

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The
eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below
the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit
and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must
be sitting very, very high up.

Aphorism

You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.

Wish I'd Said That!

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

Italian proverb

Nursery Rhyme

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Only in Ireland

New Product

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed
a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity
music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00
depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because
women have always complained about men staring
at their breasts and not listening to them.

Remember

The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to
kiss his ring.

Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church..... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell
me the dog was Catholic?

Aphorism

It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.