Tommy Cooper

"I was nearly a step-child, my Mother said she would have left me on
someone's doorstep if she'd had half a chance."

Misunderstanding...

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but
explaining they were not a dating agency...

Paddy and Mick (or in this case Joe)

Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to
your wife. The whole street was watching yesterday and laughing at you."
Paddy says, "Well the joke's on them, stupid, because I wasn't even at home
yesterday."

Only An Aussie Can Make You Feel Like A Woman

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things
went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely.
She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,'
she cried.
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in
the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of
the plane.
He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went,
one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled
across his chest. She gasped...
Then, he spoke...
'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

Quotes on Government

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as
possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
Voltaire (1764)

Old Age

These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,
' For fast relief.'

Les Dawson - Wedding Bells

The wife said her sister was pushing 40 - frankly, she looked like she was
dragging it.

Wonderful quotes

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

US Patrolman said...

"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

Tommy Cooper

I hurt my back the other day.
I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

Oops

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my
leg".

Smart ass answers...

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked
'Yes or no,' she replied

Quotes on Government

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
P.J. O'Rourke

Paddy and Mick

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "Do you want the winner
of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, I've only got a small garden."