Male or female ?

HOT AIR BALLOONS:

Male, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under
their butt.

Les Dawson - His own worst critic

I was in my local pub the other night. I said to the landlord: 'This beer is
flat, warm and full of sediment.' He said: 'You're lucky - you've only got a
pint. I've got a bloody cellar full.'

Kulula Airline announcements

On a flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning
down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
appearance of your flight attendants."

Insults + Put-downs

"Biologically speaking, you are more likely to be attacked by the female of
the species"

Desmond Morris

Les Dawson - His own worst critic

I went to the doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me
a kite.

The Rugged Outdoor Woman

During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her
physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week
in the outdoors.
 
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7
miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I
pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my
eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I
went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother
bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all
left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses
of wine."
 
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor
woman!"
 
"No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really shitty golfer."

How the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped
quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded
to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I
cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out
fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

Tommy Cooper

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife.
Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs....but she's good with the kids....

Quotes on Government

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the
newspaper you are misinformed.

Mark Twain

The ventriloquist and the blonde

A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
at the local Golf Club.
With his dummy on his knee he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting.
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. 
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? 
What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being?
Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in
the community,
and from reaching our full potential as people. 
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
blondes but women in general... 
pathetically all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise but the blonde woman yells
"You stay out of this!  I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"

The Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and
rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

Women Drivers

Scouser's Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough,
as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough
to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want
to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix
the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it
in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world,
but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going
to help me.'

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can
up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused,
placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his
other hand.

This procedure also works in Barnsley, Birmingham, parts of Sheffield, the
whole of Essex and anywhere in Wales.

Relationships

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'