Tommy Cooper

On being introduced to the Queen after the Royal Variety Show,Tommy Cooper
asked her if she liked football.

"Well, not really," she answered. "

In that case," he continued, "do you mind if I have your Cup Final tickets?"

Olympics

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't
got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to
the gate.

"McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his
shoulder.

"Waddington-Smythe, England," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under
his arm.

"O'Malley, Ireland," he says, "Fencing."

When children put their spin on sayings...

Don't bite the hand that

looks dirty.

Insults + Put-downs

"A huge fur ball on two overdeveloped legs"

Nancy Mitford on Princess Margaret

Golf

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

Al Boliska

Putting vehicles to full use

Church Bulletin

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.

Noah

One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah, I want you make me a new
Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs, anything you want".

But God interrupts, "ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just
a couple of decks, ..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 decks!......" screams Noah, "...well, whatever you say, should I fill it
up with all the animals just like last time?"

"..... yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right.......this time I want
you to fill it up with water and fish" God answers.

"Fish?" queries Noah.

"Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp, wall to
wall, floor to ceiling - carp!" says God.

Noah looks to the skies, "OK, let me get this right, you want a new Ark, 20
stories high, filled with water and fish..........carp?"......."Why?"

"Dunno" says God. "I just fancied a multi-storey carp Ark".

Tommy Cooper

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close'.

He said, 'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

When children put their spin on sayings...

You can lead a horse to water

but how?

Insults + Put-downs

"They have sent me a Flanders mare!"

King Henry VIII on Anne of Cleves

Golf

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

Billy Graham

Putting vehicles to full use

Church Bulletin

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.