Pensioners travelling

A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.

'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.

'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me. Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?'

Insults + Put-downs

“His smile is like the silver fittings on a coffin”

Benjamin Disraeli on Robert Peel

Golf

Wife says:

When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.

Putting vehicles to full use

An Italian Mamma

Mrs. Ravioli comes to  visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female  roommate,  Maria.
             
During the  course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how  pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of  the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to  wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than  met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony  volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure  you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week  later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother  came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar  bowl. You don't suppose she  took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email  her, just to be  sure." So he sat down and wrote  an  email:
              
Dear Mamma, 

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from  my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take  it. But the fact remains  that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. 

Your Loving  Son

Anthony
            
Several days later,  Anthony received a response email from his Mamma which  read:

Dear son,

I'm  not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying  that you "do not" sleep with  her. But the fact remains  that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found  the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving  Mamma
              

Moral:

Never Bulla Shitta your  Mamma

Osama Bin Laden

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound and didn't leave the house for 5 years.

It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.

Tommy Cooper

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:

'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.

I said: 'What for, Officer?'

He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

Girls say...

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

I said to him .... They don't have time. 

Insults + Put-downs

“Tell him I can only deal with one sh-- at a time”

Winston Churchill on being disturbed in his toilet by a call from the Lord Privy Seal

Golf

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.

Raymond Floyd

Putting vehicles to full use

Music in the cemetery

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and suddenly he hears some music.

No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads? Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827".

Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.

This time it is the Seventh Symphony, and like the previous piece, it is also being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd have gathered around the grave.

They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has any explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says incredulously.

"He's decomposing."

Computer Upgrade

Tommy Cooper

I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says:

'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'.

I said 'What For?'

He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.