Drink

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

My mother taught me

RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

Marriage

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous

Geography of Women

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently ageing but still a warm
and desirable place to visit.

My father taught me

about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out
just like you !"

Court transcripts

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

Did they really mean to write...

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Marital Humour

A little boy went up to his father and asked :
'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?' His father replied:
'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have
mine.'

Two elderly ladies discussing...

My memory really sucks Mildred, so I changed my password to "incorrect".
That way when I log in with the wrong password, the computer will tell me...
"Your password is incorrect."

Wish I'd Said That!

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out
the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

Rodney Dangerfield

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?'
She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

Paraprosdokians

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong

Overheard on the tube

'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for
the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some
time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'.'

Over 60....

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

One liners

A man approaches a young woman in a shop. He says "I can't find my wife,
can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?" "
Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like
yours, she appears out of nowhere!"

Offensive humour...

I had a Trivia competition in the bag until the very last question
....... which I got wrong. The question was 'Where do women have the
curliest hair Apparently the correct answer was Fiji .

Politically Incorrect

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

Players

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole
heads of lettuce.
The man persists, and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask
his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some a**hole
wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he
turned to & find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And
this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on
their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Canada , sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores, and hockey players up
there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'

'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

Paraprosdokians

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.

Overheard on the tube

'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I
know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

Over 60....

This a**hole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said,
"Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

One liners

Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk".
Husband says "that's not true .. sometimes I want a kebab"

Offensive humour...

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said "sorry
about the wait." I said "don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually."

Thought

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Think BEFORE you speak

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked
if we needed any help. I replied, ' No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Stay

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and
rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had
fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon
her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward,pointing
my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay! Do you
hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange
look and asked,

"Why don't you just put the hand brake on?"

Rodney Dangerfield

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Remember

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.

Paraprosdokians

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

Overheard on the tube

'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please
hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'