Man and woman

 A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh, she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."

Tommy Cooper

"So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

One liners

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including
cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found behind a Job Centre in
Merseyside. The locals are said to be in a state of shock........ They had
no idea they had a Job Centre!

Paraprosdokians

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the
target.

Over 60....

I went to the pub last night and saw a  fat chick dancing on a table.  
I said, "Nice legs."   
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."  
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.  " 

Not PC but...

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serve
breakfast until 11.30.

Question/Answer

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES ORIGINALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wet and wild, and when they go, they take
your house and car with them.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago
last night.

Court transcripts

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

Question/Answer

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a Goodyear

Rodney Dangerfield

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?'
He said, 'Because you came home early.'

Study of Crow Road Kills in Alberta

A recent AB Govt. study, has found over 200 dead crows near Calgary, Alberta
and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus. A
Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the
problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed
by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. The
Provincial Government hired an Ornithological Behaviourist from Toronto to
determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car
kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.

When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a lookout crow in a nearby tree
to warn of impending danger. His conclusion was that: The lookout crow
could say "Cah",

but he could not say "Truck."

You've got to love a good nurse

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.  The
doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman
kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. 
 
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him
about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough
so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
 
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips
of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence:
"Get well soon from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last
week."

Thought

Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

Tommy Cooper

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Wish I'd Said That!

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Robert Benchley

Canadian Taxes

At the end of the tax year, Revenue Canada office sent an inspector to
audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books,
he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said "I notice you buy a lot of
bandages.

What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be
of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way? "What about
all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after
setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap
him
with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the
manufacturer
and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all CFO. "Well, What do you do with all the remains from the
circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the
little foreskins and send them to the Revenue Canada office, and about once
a year
they send us a complete prick."

Confucius did not say:

Man who runs in front of car gets tired.

Drink

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

Marriage

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once....

Nash

Did they really mean to write...

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Church Bulletin

The Minister for next week can be found hanging on the notice board outside.

Marriage

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud

Les Dawson - Wedding Bells

I'm not saying the bride looked a mess but the vicar wore blinkers.

5 Rules for men to follow

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to
time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with
you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or
you could end up dead like me.

Holy humour

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what
the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible
means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for
"Basic Information Before Leaving Earth"

Trust...

A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she
can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a
drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us,
so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?

Grandma's Home Remedies

"For better digestion I drink beer, in the case of appetite loss I drink
white wine, in the case of low blood pressure I drink red wine, in the case
of high blood pressure I drink scotch, and when I have a cold I drink
schnapps."
"When do you drink water?"
"I've never been that sick!"

Geography of Women

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild,
fertile and naturally beautiful!

Dublin

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced
they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

Did they really mean to write...

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial
Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the
editor realised that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a
correction the next day.