Over 60....

I was talking to a  girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds,had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd
look all right."
I said, "If I did that,  I'd be talking to your friends over there instead
of you."

Old age

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,
watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

On day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe
he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so,
Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam
didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened
to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one
day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,
'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I
was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.

Only in Ireland

Nursery Rhyme

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

Password

A wife helps her man install a new computer.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a a word that he'll always
remember as his password. 

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho
gesture and a wink of his eye, 
he selects a word.
He is annoyed with her reaction, when he selects: mypenis

As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife 
collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria
 
The computer system had replied:
 
TOO SHORT - ACCESS DENIED!

Old Chinese Proverb

An elderly woman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get
Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinsons - better to spill half
my wine than to forget where I put the bottle."

Marital Humour

Jimmy's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
'Jimmy seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time
thinking about girls.'
The mother wrote back the next day:
'If you find a solution, please advise.
I have the same problem with his father!'

Paraprosdokians

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Politically Incorrect

Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway. Policeman says
"Do you know the limit is 70?"
The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that - 3 of you have got
to get out!"

Overheard on the tube

'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me,
so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like
that'

One liners

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .
They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement. It
was a mortar attack.

Offensive humour...

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a
farmer in the fields and shouts down to him "Where am I ?" The Irish
farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You can't fool me, you're in that
basket up there."

Nursery Rhyme

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Not PC but...

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next dump could
spell disaster.

Three blonde wannabe detectives

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
Toronto Police Force.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So you all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a
detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things
such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew
it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any
distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!" The
detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this
picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face
for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything
unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The
detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I
just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course
you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde
sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face
for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice
anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said,
"I sure did. This man wears contact lenses. "The detective frowned, took
another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the
folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world
could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes
and said,

"Well, Hellooooooooooooo!

With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Aphorism

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Apologies in advance if this offends...

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of
ham then delete it. It's spam.

Holy humour

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the centre of
attention.

British Newspapers

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a
spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time
of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up
during the explosion that destroyed his house.'

(The Daily Telegraph)

Les Dawson - My mother in law

THE wife's mother said: 'When you're dead, I'll dance on your grave.' I
said: 'Good. I'm being buried at sea.'

Paraprosdokians

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Italian Altar Boy's confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

I have been with a loose girl'..

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight-lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Marital Humour

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

Les Dawson - My wife

I took her for better or for worse. But she turned out worse than I took her
for.

Holy humour

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

I Think You're The Father of One of My Kids...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notice a very attractive woman waving at
him.
She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love
to on the pool table,
with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet
celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1- These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Holiday

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking
Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our
country?'

Puns

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

EU Directive No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration with the Single European
currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern
Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be
used after 31st December 2013.

From this date onwards, the correct terminology will be:'Euro-nating'.