Insults + Put-downs

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily"

Count Talleyrand

Confucius say...

It is better to lose a lover
than love a loser.

Church Bulletin

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Drunk Driver

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city
one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'


'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across
his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf.

Did they really mean to write...

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Insults + Put-downs

"She hath more hair than wit, and more faults than hairs, and more wealth
than faults"

Speed in 'The Two Gentlemen of Verona'

How the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order
first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started....

Businessmen

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in
their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store
wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is
going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're
selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked

up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass,

then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well.
Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them, They didn't get old by being stupid!

Confucius say...

It's ok to let a fool kiss you,
but don't let a kiss fool you.

Church Bulletin

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered

Did they really mean to write...

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Les Dawson - My family and other animals

I suppose the stage was in my blood. My great-grandmother was a gaiety girl
in London - men drank champagne from her slipper and threw roses as she
danced. She died at the age of 59, from damp feet and greenfly.

Kulula Airline announcements

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile,
and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

Wonderful quotes

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

US Patrolman said...

. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed
to write as many tickets as we can."

Tommy Cooper

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

Did they really mean to write...

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Nurse

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over
his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour,
surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles,she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the
covers. She
raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other,
lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

Les Dawson - My family and other animals

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes
in my birth certificate.

Kulula Airline announcements

From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like
every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

Wonderful quotes

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant
form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

US Patrolman said...

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

Tommy Cooper

A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
The man replied "I know I've been ill"

Seniors

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter
asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

Insults + Put-downs

"I married beneath me. All women do"
Lady Astor

Bumper stickers

Insults + Put-downs

So boring, you fall asleep halfway through her name"
Alan Bennett on Arianna Stassinopoulos (now Huffington)"

Kulula Airline announcements

Heard on a Kulula flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this
aeroplane is on the wing If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

Bumper Stickers

Tommy Cooper

I bought a greyhound about a month ago,
A friend of mine said to me,
'what are you going to do with it?'
I said 'I'm going to race it'.
He said 'by the look of it, I think you'll beat it'

Tommy Cooper

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"