Chicken farmer

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a
glass of Champagne

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of
champagne,too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am
celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man
asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all
of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

Church Bulletin

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Bumper stickers

Tommy Cooper

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot",
I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Quotes on Government

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no control at the other.
Ronald Reagan

Paddy and Mick

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take its shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic.
It didn't work; if anything it made him more sluggish.

Les Dawson - His own worst critic

Have you seen the new tax form?
It's very simple, it just asks two questions:
(A) How much do you earn? (B) Send it.

Quotes on Government

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
Mark Twain (1866)

Paddy and Mick

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the
police and says, "Bejesas, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb.
The operator asks, "Is it tickin? Paddy says, "No I tink it's turkey."

Tommy Cooper

Tommy Cooper was introduced to the Queen after a Royal Command Performance.
'Do you think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes Tommy,' said the Queen.
'You really thought I was funny?', said Tommy.
'Yes of course I thought you were funny' said the Queen.
'Did your Mother think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes, Tommy...' said the Queen, '...we both thought you were funny.'
'Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?' said Tommy.
'No, ..." said the Queen, '....but I might not be able to give you a full
answer.'
'Do you like football?' said Tommy.
'Well not really ' said the Queen.'
'In that case, ...' said Tommy, '....do you mind if I have your Cup Final
Tickets?'

They walk among us...

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard
an adman girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the
beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get
sunburned because the car was moving'.

Relationships

You have two choices in life.
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

Quotes on Government

Talk is cheap... except when government does it.
Anonymous

Proof that the world is nuts...

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad Breath in the morning)

Paddy and Mick

A coach load of Paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstakes to
guess where they were going. The driver won £52!

Old Lady

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

US Patrolman said...

"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will
help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

Tommy Cooper

"I was nearly a step-child, my Mother said she would have left me on
someone's doorstep if she'd had half a chance."

Misunderstanding...

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but
explaining they were not a dating agency...

Paddy and Mick (or in this case Joe)

Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to
your wife. The whole street was watching yesterday and laughing at you."
Paddy says, "Well the joke's on them, stupid, because I wasn't even at home
yesterday."

Only An Aussie Can Make You Feel Like A Woman

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things
went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely.
She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,'
she cried.
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in
the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of
the plane.
He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went,
one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled
across his chest. She gasped...
Then, he spoke...
'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

Quotes on Government

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as
possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
Voltaire (1764)

Old Age

These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,
' For fast relief.'

Les Dawson - Wedding Bells

The wife said her sister was pushing 40 - frankly, she looked like she was
dragging it.

Wonderful quotes

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

US Patrolman said...

"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

Tommy Cooper

I hurt my back the other day.
I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

Oops

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my
leg".

Smart ass answers...

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked
'Yes or no,' she replied

Quotes on Government

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
P.J. O'Rourke

Paddy and Mick

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "Do you want the winner
of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, I've only got a small garden."